OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY, COLUMBUS – Sources from inside S.A.S.H.A indicate that their annual event occurring in the next few days, Sex Week 2023, will bring in the Ohio State Tree Fucker as a surprise guest. Rumors abounded that the guest speaker was supposed to be Kristina M. Johnson, who was going to hand out embossed Brutus Buckeye dental dams, but she was unfortunately unreachable, as she is currently on a work trip with her secretary, an excursion dubbed “absolutely not romantic in any way shape or form.”
The Tree Fucker gained notoriety last semester after their Reddit confession about their sexual exploits with the local flora went viral. Unfortunately, the unknown culprit received a significantamount of backlash, which was dubbed as “kink-shaming” and “sex negativity”. Given such, S.A.S.H.A. saw this as the perfect opportunity to demonstrate the power of empowering individuals in their sexuality.
Sometime between February 12-18, the arboreal assaulter will be making an appearance during the Kink 101 workshop, but there is also a high possibility that they may choose to give a talk on February 17th , at the event Talking Pleasure with Penetration, where they will be bringing a handheld drill and some canola oil.
Written by Dorian Harmatiy, Contributor