The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration finally came clean last week, admitting meteorology was invented as a social experiment designed to test the limits of what humans would believe. Marshall Thurmond, a 30-year veteran at the NOAA, expressed profound disappointment at the results.
“We couldn’t have been more obvious about it towards the end. A 75% chance of rain? What does that even mean?” Thurmond stated that forecasts were done in a way which meant meteorologists could be wrong nearly every time with no repercussions.
“Oh, it didn’t rain? That 25% chance must’ve won out!” he said mockingly. “You’d think we’d reach a certain point where people would wise up a little, but no, that day never came.”
Thinking back on his time with the NOAA, Thurmond points to one broadcast in particular that should’ve raised some red flags. “We invented the phrase ‘raining cats and dogs’ one weekend because we thought it would be funny to finally let everyone in on the joke. Our weatherman at the time, Josh, I believe his name was, literally forecasted falling felines. He couldn’t keep a straight face when he said it. He told people to put out some litter boxes overnight. We really could not have been more clear, but the public interpreted it as some kind of genius metaphor. I guess it’s just a testament to how much credibility vaguely gesturing at a colorful board will get you.”
If that wasn’t enough drama, documents provided to The Sundial revealed an interesting twist. As it turns out, satellites are not used to predict weather patterns at all but are rather tools for “protecting galactic sovereignty”. However, I won’t bore you with the details on that because I’m sure you’re more interested in the ramifications this has on the meteorology bombshell.
We attempted to get back in contact with Thurmond to learn more, but he was too dismayed to answer further questions. Instead, he referred us to the pinned post on his social media account, which simply read, “If satellites gave us the power to predict the future, do you think we’d use them for the weather? No, we’d definitely put them towards stopping crimes or getting really good at sports betting.”
Americans were certainly left reeling from the scandal, as government officials refused to show up to Capitol Hill the following morning.
“I feel like a giant dunderhead,” extolled one senator.
“Hey, wait a minute, that’s not a real press badge,” proclaimed another.
While the news is undoubtedly a major bummer, saddened individuals should take solace in knowing about the many other cool things out there that truly do exist, like dragons and astrology.
Written by Bryant Schroeder, Staff Writer