OSU Campus Police
Incident Report #93948
Mr. Gordon Ramsay arrived on campus before noon. He was greeted by Sundial investigative reporter Walden Grayle, who had invited Ramsay to sample some of Ohio State’s fine campus cuisine. Ramsay and Grayle first dined at Traditions at Scott, which Grayle promised had “some of the best food on campus.”
“You fucking liar!” witnesses heard Ramsay shout in his signature British accent as he stormed out of the building. “How the hell can that be considered the best food on campus? That shit wouldn’t be the best food in a concentration camp.”
Ramsay and Grayle then proceeded to Curl Patio, which Grayle said served “first-rate pizza”. However, upon arrival, they found that it was closed.
“Why the fuck aren’t they open today?!” Ramsay asked calmly. “The weather’s bloody perfect, it’s a beautiful fucking day!” Grayle informed him that the staff of Curl Patio only showed up to work “when they felt like it.”
“What kind of bloody work ethic is that?!” Ramsay responded, causing several passersby to jump back in alarm.
Ramsay and Grayle were next seen entering Traditions at Morrill. When told that he would have to order his food via the Grubhub mobile app, Ramsay reportedly muttered, “Oh, what fresh fuckery is this?”
After waiting twenty minutes to receive his food, Ramsay took a single bite before launching his to-go box into the air, where it soared over the tennis courts and smashed through the windows of the RPAC. “The next time someone hands me my meal in a to-go box, I’ll ram it straight up his arse!” The nearby food robots shifted uneasily.
Later that afternoon, Ramsay and Grayle were seen at one of the tables outside of Mirror Lake Eatery. “This chicken is so raw, a skilled vet could still save it,” Ramsay opined. “And where is the lamb sauce I ordered?!”
Finally, Grayle led Ramsay across 12th Avenue to Kcomm. Witnesses are unclear exactly how the dispute started, but it resulted in Ramsay tossing his plate across the room and ordering the student chefs to come out from their hiding places behind the counters.
“Listen here, you dickheads,” Ramsay began. “I’m honestly surprised that the entire fucking campus hasn’t keeled over from food poisoning! It’s all crap, everything’s just crap! Jesus H. Christ, would you look at –”
At this point, witnesses report that Ramsay fell to the floor, clutching at his chest. He was frothing at the mouth and convulsing wildly; abruptly, he was still. Onlookers were then shocked by the sudden appearance of Ramsay’s ghost, which rose from his body and continued berating the chefs.
“You fucking donkeys,” shouted Ramsay’s ghost. “Your food was so fucking atrocious, it killed me! I wasn’t expecting much when I walked in here, but you’ve somehow managed to make my day even worse than it already was, you fucking twats!”
END OF REPORT
Written by Walden Grayle, Investigative Reporter