Over the entirety of this school year, the number of students suffering from indigestion from Traditions at Scott, Ohio State’s premier dining hall, has increased nearly tenfold. At first, it may be easy to dismiss this as just bad luck or underlying stomach issues. However, in the past week, an anonymous whistleblower contacted The Sundial to speak out and accurately depict what has been occurring.
“It all began about a year ago, when we had just gotten back from winter break. Several of my friends and I each had jobs in dining services and decided to protest for higher wages.” The whistleblower further claimed, “When this failed, the university claimed that if they increased our pay, they wouldn’t be able to pay Kristina Johnson her $263,500 bonus. In response to this, many of us began putting laxatives into the food at Scott, especially the grilled cheese.” Mike Rodeck, a first-year agricultural studies student, said, “It was to the point where I was literally losing weight, but I kept returning because I am on an unlimited swipe plan. I literally had no other on-campus option. I was forced to visit several gastroenterologists, none of whom were able to diagnose me with a disease. I now understand why.”
The Sundial has reached out to Ohio State and Kristina Johnson, neither of whom wished to comment.
Furthermore, The Sundial’s forensics team took a grilled cheese to their off-campus research facility to conduct a thorough investigation. They found small traces of various laxatives. As the whistleblower elegantly put it, “We put it enough to make you feel it. Not enough to hurt you.”
For longtime readers of The Sundial, this bears a striking resemblance to the infamous Chocolate Rain incident of ’88. One can only hope this will not be as catastrophic. We thank the whistleblower for their willingness to speak out and shed light on the story.
This article will be updated as more information becomes available
Written by Jared Pine, Contributor