Departing President Kristina M. Johnson’s administration will host a “Hunger Games”-style fundraiser event later this month, the President revealed. Randomly-selected students will be given the honor of fighting to the death on the Oval in front of their families and friends; the winner will receive a prestigious $25 gift card to Buckeye Donuts.
“I won’t be your President for much longer,” the President announced earlier this week. “So before I go, I want to leave something behind for you all to remember me by. That’s why, later this month, the University will be hosting the first-ever annual Ohio Games! (The proceeds of which will be contributing to my retirement fund.)”
President Johnson went on to explain her inspiration for the event. “The idea came to me only a few days after I announced my resignation. I was sitting in my office playing Fortnite, as usual, when it suddenly occurred to me that students would have so much fun participating in a real-life Battle Royale event. I’ve already spoken with Governor DeWine, and he’s more than happy to provide guns and munitions for our contestants to use. We’ve also put together a few additional obstacles for our contestants to face – food robots filled with TNT, squirrels infected with rabies, that sort of thing.”
Reactions among the on-campus student community were generally positive.
“This is going to be so much fun to watch!” exclaimed psychology major Valerie Kinbott. “I can’t wait to see what fun and exciting ways our peers will use to kill each other!”
“Rome had people fight to the death for public entertainment,” shrugged history major Jefferson Davis. “Why shouldn’t we?”
“I want to play!” Fisher College of Business student Chad Miller told us. “I’m ready to win! I’m a boss at Warzone, I’m a legend at Apex… if they put me in that arena, I’ll for sure be getting that #1 Victory Royale!”
President Johnson later clarified how the contestants would be chosen. “We’ll be randomly selecting two students from each Residence Hall,” she said. “Each student will have their name entered into the drawing. Students with a high GPA will have their names entered once, while students with lower GPAs will have their names entered up to 10,000 times. It’s a simple and efficient way of keeping things fair.”
More details will be released by the University soon. In the meantime, the Sundial advises its readers to keep their GPAs up. May the odds be ever in your favor!
Written by Wally Green, Staff Writer