Earlier this week, Elon Musk announced via a Tweet that he had purchased The Ohio State University. But the controversial Twitter head has already raised eyebrows with a contentious new policy regarding his future title – he insists on being referred to as ‘CEO’ rather than ‘President’.
“I’m going to run this university like a business,” Musk declared. “You’ve all seen what I’ve done with Twitter. Well, that’s what Ohio State is going to look like pretty soon!”
Musk has already promised to fire the IT workers responsible for managing Carmen Canvas and Duo Mobile. “Nobody wants to use that crap,” he chided. “From now on, Ohio State students can access their courses directly from Twitter. Just think how much more amusing your weekly discussion posts will be! And by making use of Twitter’s poll feature, your final grade can be decided by a jury of your peers, just as the Founding Fathers intended!”
Musk made the decision to purchase the university after posting a Twitter poll with the caption: “Should I buy The Ohio State University? I will abide by the results of this poll.” A majority 57.5% of his followers voted ‘Yes’ to the purchase. Coincidentally, this is the same percentage of the population that the government considers to be legally ‘brain-dead’.
In a statement released to the press, Musk revealed an ambitious plan to build a new branch campus on Mars. “Building a branch campus is the logical first step to colonizing the Scarlet and Grey Planet,” Musk said. “It’s going to be the perfect place for students to gain more knowledge. But it’ll just be for the girls – the boys will go to Jupiter, to get more stupider.”
Some of Musk’s proposed policies have been met with criticism from students and staff alike. So far, Musk has instituted an $8 surcharge every time someone swipes their BuckID; created a Free Speech Committee to monitor students’ posts and assignments; and made the Joe Rogan podcast mandatory daily listening for all students, faculty, and staff. He also announced that the GrubHub food robots would be removed from campus, to be replaced by a new electric model manufactured by Tesla.
Musk will be officially inaugurated as President – er, CEO – of the university early next month.
Written by Wally Green, Staff Writer