COLUMBUS, OHIO – In a recent statement, Ohio State University has announced that going forward, all funding for Student Health Services will be redirected to a popular factual news source on campus, the Sundial. This move comes on the heels of a burgeoning wave of evidence proving that Western healthcare has failed us, with the university declaring that “laughter is the best medicine”.
This move was met with protests from Student Health Services, along with none of the student body, due to the fact that most freshman students with health conditions get them treated as graduation presents, in addition receiving a 1% off discount, which accounts for inflation. Student Health Services felt that this decision was placing them in an uncomfortable position, as many of them did not have the funds to cope with this sudden loss of employment. It is a commonly known fact that healthcare is a drastically underpaid avenue of labor, and many of those employed by Student Health Services are struggling to make the next payment on their Tesla. In response, Ohio State University issued a statement, saying “Ask for an itemized bill.” Going forward, the Sundial vows to make the most of the sudden flow in cash, directing it to the avenues in which it can best be used. Such expenses include building an on-campus Erewhon, purchasing a student body-wide subscription to Club Penguin Premium, and 4,500 packs of raw chicken cutlets. No further explanation was given.
Written by Dorian Harmatiy