Dear Buckeyes,
As the summer sun reluctantly begins its descent, we can already hear the collective sighs of pool floaties and ice cream trucks bidding farewell to their seasonal reign. But fear not, for here at The Ohio State University, we’re not just waving goodbye to summer; we’re also welcoming a brand new semester of academic adventures for all Buckeyes, both new and old!
In the past, the University was able to offer incoming students Apple iPads through our absolutely genius Digital Flagship program. After the abrupt discontinuation of the iPad initiative, the subsequent freshmen riots made Paris look like a calm and peaceful Midwestern town. I myself fell victim to the unruly freshmen, as my car was flipped over and torched (this was especially annoying as my poor Kia had already been targeted during ChittFest).
Well, students, I’m pleased to announce that the University has heard your pleas. That’s right… Digital Flagship is back, baby! This semester, we are proud to reveal that incoming freshmen will be receiving Samsung Smart Fridges, fully-equipped with all the latest note-taking and equation-solving apps!
Now, I know what you’re thinking… Why the sudden switch to Android? Well, students, simply put it’s because Android is superior. Suck it, Apple.
So, Buckeyes, let’s take a moment to cherish the summer memories, pack away the flip-flops (or not; we won’t judge!), and get ready to tackle the academic challenges ahead!
Go Bucks!
Jeff Bozos
Evil CEO of Digital Flagship
Your Partner in Campus Shenanigans!