RFK Jr. brain worm reacts to Kennedy’s exit from presidential bid
Presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. (RFK Jr.) is expected to drop from the ticket, lending support to Republican frontrunner Donald Trump.
RFK Jr. has faced skepticism for his competency as commander-in-chief after a parasitic brain worm was found feeding off of his brain tissue.
However, the brain worm remains supportive of its former partner.
“Most Americans have proven that they cannot handle witnessing the relationship between a man and his parasitic brain worm on the debate stage,” the brain worm said. “I hope that we will grow as a country.”
The parasite said in a statement that their relationship was mutually beneficial, to the point where household, and sometimes policy, decisions were made jointly.
“We were domestic; he cleaned, I don’t have any hands. He cooked meals for us, I partially decomposed his brain matter,” it said. “The vaccine stuff was all me too. He knew I just adored rapidly progressing viral infections. He was such a romantic.”
After its sudden eviction from the Kennedy’s skull, the brain worm moved to urban Columbus, Ohio, in order to pursue a degree in business at The Ohio State University’s Fisher College of Business.
“Robbie [former candidate RFK Jr.] and I shared a love for leeching off the working man,” it said. “I think I would do well in private equity.”
RFK and the brain worm split once the former candidate unveiled his stance on gender-affirming care for transgender youth.
“The gall that Robbie had to fundamentally oppose the progress made by our queer and trans wormcestors is appalling,” it said. “I couldn’t stand by while he inched us back into the closet.”
On Tuesday, President Joe Biden emerged from underneath the floorboards of his Delaware estate to address the public on Kennedy’s exit.
“When I was—there was a—nevermind,” Biden said after more than an hour of uninterrupted ritualistic chanting from his aides.
The election will come to an end in November with a face off between vice president Kamala Harris and creepy step-uncle Donald Trump.
The parasitic brain worm plans to intern at JP Morgan & Chase this upcoming semester.
“Robbie, if you see this, just know that I will always be with you,” it said. “We had some good times together. I just hope you find another brain worm that will make you as happy as we were.”
Written by Grace Metz