Ealier this week, President Ted Carter announced the start of a new campus wellness initiative to combat the rapid decline in student’s mental health: the Flora and Fucking Services (abbreviated FFS).
In a statement delivered within his latest interview with The Lantern, President Carter explained the rationale behind this rather unorthodox solution to maintaining emotional stability. “We’ve honestly tried just about everything,” President Carter said, “Wellness workshops, therapy dogs, even mediocre counselling services. But the truth is, sometimes you just really need to get it on with a sexy tree.”
The initiative includes a variety of trees marked across the Oval, each carefully selected for its compatibility with different student preferences. “We want every student to feel seen by our new wellness program,” President Carter said, as he gestured towards the map of available trees posted right in front of the Thompson Statue. “From strong, sturdy oaks for those seeking stability, to the more flexible honeylocusts for the more experimental types, there’s truly a match for everyone.”’
The administration is extremely hopeful this initiative will curb the number of students collapsing in the middle of hallways, mid panic attack, or crying softly into their overpriced iced lattes. However, reactions by the general public have been less than ecstatic.
“I mean, sure, I was stressed about my ochem exam, but I wasn’t exactly thinking ‘you know what would really help right now? Humping an oak tree,’” said sophomore pre-med student Robert Chase.
Not all reactions have been negative. Allison Cameron, a senior majoring in philosophy, sees the fuckable trees as an empowering statement. “It’s an expression of our generation’s disillusionment with institutional authority. In fact, I’d say fucking a tree is a rejection of capitalism,” she declared before walking off towards the Oval.
To address any moral concerns, the university worked closely with faculty experts, ensuring that no trees were selected without consent. “We took the ethical implications very seriously,” said professor Lisa Cuddy. “We consulted our tree whisperer on staff, and each tree was assessed for its comfort with being designated as fuckable. It’s 2024. We’re moving past the old ideas of objectifying nature.”
As classwork gets more rigorous, it remains to be seen whether the FFS initiative will become the stress relief phenomenon President Carter envisions. But if one thing is clear, it’s that when it comes to alleviating stress, Ohio State is willing to go above and beyond to ensure the wellbeing of its students.
Written by Alex Kandakatla