With the presidential election polls getting closer than your weird uncle at Thanksgiving, North Dakota’s recent senatorial special election has attracted the attention of experienced political analysts (podcasters) in search of clues about the nation’s future. As socially conservative rural voters hold undue sway over the state’s elections, experts believe the Razzle Dazzle State will provide a sneak peek of what's to come at the federal level.
The state’s special election was won this Tuesday by congressman Jeremy Anders in spite of his hopes to retire and play golf daily. Reports say that the seventy-three year old Home Depot patron is now regretting the promise he made thirty years ago to serve his state until it no longer wants him.
Though Anders rarely interacts with media, we received an exclusive interview with him after one of our reporters cornered the belligerent, seemingly drunk congressman outside of Bob Evans—
“I am SICK and TIRED of votes! Do you know how tiring it is listening to Ted Cruz struggle to read Green Eggs and Ham for the sixteenth time?! And for what? Do you know how much a Wells Fargo executive makes? Well, more than you can imagine, young man. I was making millions foreclosing on nursing homes and payday lending before you were even born, and now, and NOW I’m making pennies! Only six figures! Not only that, but I’m overworked too! I worked 120 days last year! 120 days, by golly! And the free food is terrible. I hope you can see now why I wanted to lose”
After begrudgingly launching his Senate campaign, Anders made every effort he could while still in the House to deter voters from choosing him. To put off elderly voters, Anders vowed to privatize social security and medicare. To “support the troops,” he voted to defund the VA. And if that couldn’t lose him the next election, Anders voted against all minimum wage increases and cut taxes for billionaires and corporations in the hopes of losing the uneducated, low income vote. But it was no use. Anders’ approval ratings were higher than ever, and after pushing through so many heinous initiatives in the House, the Cracker Barrel storegoer surged in the polls.
Since his demoralizing victory, Senator Jeremy Anders has continued to become publicly intoxicated at suburban family restaurants. Should Anders’ victory reflect the result of the national election as experts fear, all the sensible voters of the nation will surely follow suit and get very, very drunk.
Written by a sensible voter