MIAMI (OF OHIO) – Cruising giant Carnival Cruise Lines has today acquired William Oxley Thompson Libraries from The Ohio State University Libraries for an undisclosed sum. The deal was announced during a Study Break deck party in the Oval, with campus celebrities including former university president Kristina M. Johnson being spotted at the black-tie resort-shirt affair.

“We’ve actually been pondering the sale for a while”, said OSU Libraries director Mario Neta. “The truth is that we as a Department were never super happy with Thompson as a library. Have you ever tried to find a volume in the Stacks? It’s easier to find a PhD student hiding from their Advisor than the latest volume of Library, Home & Garden Magazine!”

Carnival officials, meanwhile, were seen dancing and sipping on Buckeye Mai Tais during the affair. Their real-life official brand ambassador, Shaquille “Shaq” “DJ Diesel” O’Neil, had a lot of slurred words to say on the historic purchase.

“It’s really a big slam dunk for us. Thompson’s design seemed almost tailor-made to seamlessly integrate into our FUN design program. Just look at that atrium, dude. The world’s best minds have GOTTA try to find a way to make this beautiful baby float.”

Thompson Library will host a series of farewell events over the coming days for students to say goodbye, including a people-watching party on the 11th floor sponsored by the Female Gaze Club and a woke thesis-burning pit on the ground floor sponsored by Turning Point. After everyone’s had a turn with Thompy, whatever is left of the library is expected to be raised on stilts and shipped to the famed Meyer Werft Shipyard in Papenburg, Germany, for extensive structural and design repairs. These efforts are expected to take years given the state of the building and the damages caused by raucous students in the study rooms.

The Sundial “obtained” some exclusive renderings of the project, showing familiar library landmarks earmarked for transformation into cruise ship staples:

  • The atrium’s fourth floor will be outfitted with a circular bar and DJ booth.
  • Berry Café will be transformed into a lobby-buffet.
  • Buckeye Bar and the plotting room above it will hold the two-floor casino.
  • Lastly, the iconic Stacks will be preserved and will form the bedding structure, as the ship will exclusively have bunk beds comprised of mattresses laid out on top of the existing library books.

The ship, to be rechristened as the Carnival LeThompson, is scheduled to sail seven-day itineraries to Cozumel and Carnival’s private island from Fort Lauderdale, like every fucking Carnival cruise ship ever, once its renovations are complete in mid-2028. When asked about whether the ship would offer literally any other options for guests, however, Carnival leadership remained open.

“We’re working with a few frats to look at the option of private spring break cruises parked in international waters, so they can truly go wild without repercussions”, said Carnival VP Imeka. B. Oatload. “Maybe a cruise to the Virgin Islands? But I truly think we’ll have enough Ohio parents who’ll pay and drive down to Fort Lauderdale on our amazing cruises that there’ll probably be no time for tax breaks – I mean, charitable sailings – or anything exotic. This is Ohio we’re talking about, man.”

Written by Diego Phoyú, ex-Carnival cruiser