COLUMBUS, OH — Early on Friday morning, The Ohio State University announced that the Lawrence Tower residence hall would be closed due to a mass of fungal growth, the likes of which we’ve never seen since Ryan Day took off his Nikes.
Shortly after the announcement, the university opened an exclusive, new vegetarian- friendly dining location, “Buck-I-Fungi” in place of the closed residence hall. The restaurant offers mushroom-based dishes, along with lightly-spored water and vaguely chewable, nutrient-dense air. Before entering, all patrons are encouraged to sign a waiver that clarifies that the university holds no responsibility for “chance effects” such as lung-infections, gastrointestinal issues, nausea, vomiting, abdominal pain, dizziness, liver failure or kidney damage in students who enter the building.
“We encourage students to also take part in signing an additional waiver before ordering,” stated Benjamin Johnson, spokesperson for The Ohio State University. “Students who consume items on Buck-I-Fungi’s menu will be fine. I’ve been licking our Administration’s boots for ages and nothing has come of my consumption of foot fungus.”
In support of those who have lost their homes in the former residence hall, affected students have been granted job offers to work as servers and cooks in Buck-I-Fungi’s kitchen and dining rooms. With the high-paying wage of $13.50, all tuition and meal plan costs are assured to be covered by the completion of their four years at the university.
The employment offer has not been extended to students eligible for housing exemptions or students with cars and a blanket on campus.
“Since opening the experimental dining location, the university has had to raise tuition costs by a minor $450 in order to cover operating costs,” said Johnson, poking at a misshapen Oyster mushroom on his plate. “But this is all for the cause of expanding our selections for vegetarian students, and raking in more money means more invested back to our lovely students and our head coaches’ salaries. We are together as Fung-eyes!”
Written by Grey Romohr and Diego Phoyú