JAN 20 th – Sharp-eyed viewers of today’s inauguration may have noticed some odd
behaviors from new vice president JD Vance, such as some chittering and squirming.
Indeed, the Sundial can now confirm that the JD Vance we saw at the inauguration was
not actually him, but rather three raccoons that had taken his place.
With this shocking revelation, the country then began to ask where their new vice
president was. While the nationwide manhunt started, the Sundial managed to track
Vance down to Atlanta, where the Ohio State Buckeyes are set to play for the national
championship tonight.
Vance, an Ohio State alumnus, was spotted entering Mercedes-Benz Stadium after
setting up another raccoon decoy outside the Jimmy Carter Presidential Library. Luckily,
Sundial reporters were able to get to his suite to question him about this erratic move.
When asked about why he chose to skip his own inauguration, Vance said “I know it’s
important and all, but DC is super cold and they don’t have any couches! It’s all those
folding chairs. At least here I can sit on a nice new couch where I belong. O-H!”
While our Atlanta correspondent promptly exited the room after that, our DC reporter
was able to sit down with the raccoon stack at the White House. The decoy vice
president is quoted as saying “Hiiiiiiissssss.” While we can’t say for certain what this
means for the future of our country, we can say one thing: Go Buckeyes.