College football: a time-honored, great American tradition in which university students cheer on their classmates and fifty-somethings proudly refuse to live down their “glory days.” After Notre Dame’s triumph over Penn State at the Orange Bowl, and Ohio State’s win at the Cotton Bowl, all eyes are on the National Championship coming next weekend. As Atlanta prepares for the mob of college students and working professionals who peaked in college, a problem emerged: the city has a glaringly obvious lack of Midwest.
To make incoming visitors feel welcome, Atlanta officials held a meeting with residents of both Columbus, Ohio and the fictional town of South Bend, Indiana, hoping to figure out ways to integrate the Southern city with the best of the Midwest. Urban planning official Linda Gump, who led the meeting, held a press conference regarding the outcomes discussed:
“We hope that our visiting teams and their fans feel welcome during their stay in Atlanta. Keeping that in mind, this council has decided to implement a series of so-called ‘staples of Midwestern culture’ temporarily throughout the city in celebration of the ‘Natty’ as the kids say. We are excited to announce pop-up locations of Skyline Chili and Garrett’s Popcorn, a farmer’s market dedicated exclusively to Wisconsin cheese, and a temporary relocation of the Hell is Real sign. We hope the citizens of Atlanta enjoy these symbols of the Midwest before they’re gone.”
“Dude, you have no Idea how pumped I am for the Natty now. They got two of my favorite things: cheese and vaguely threatening religious signage. It’s like they read my mind, y’know?” says Ohio State freshman Guy Farmer. He also noted that his favorite type of cheese was sharp cheddar.
Some rejected ideas, as described by a South Bend “resident”, who has understandably decided to remain anonymous, include a meet-and-greet with Pete Buttigeg, a replica of Dublin’s Cornhenge, and a panel for Atlanta locals on “The Cultural Significance of ‘Ope’.”
Written by Rachel Weinstein