5’7. Pale. Sweaty. A beard that’s not doing him any favors. Uncomfortable to look at. You may just think I’m describing the average male college student. And I am. But I’m also painting you a picture of one particular peculiar person who just so happened to waltz his way into this semester’s section of POLITSC 2400. JD Vance, an alumnus of The Ohio State University and America’s next vice president, was recently caught back on campus seated for Introduction to Political Theory.
Taking a cue from Elon Musk’s alleged alter-ego Adrian Dittman, Vance put on a mask for the first time in his life and assumed the identity of out-of-state first-year student Daniel Joseph Maples, opting to go from having two letters as a first name to having two first names entirely – something much more normal. While this persona worked for the first few days, people eventually clocked his squashed face and generally unpleasant demeanor and began to grow suspicious. Vance’s true identity was then quickly exposed after repeatedly asking his female professor if she was married with children (and asking for further clarification when she referred to her “partner”) and constantly complaining about his “best friend” not answering any of his phone calls, not to mention the new stains on some of the building’s couches.
A few eager CompSci majors hacked into his original student email and discovered that, after the “vance.1488” account laid dormant for 15 years, it became active again after the election results last November and found emails from Vance frantically begging Political Science professors to let him into their spring semester classes.
Fulfilling my journalistic obligations, I found Vance after one such class and requested his comment. He originally didn’t want to answer my questions, but once I unbuttoned my shirt to reveal more of my neckline, Vance confessed: “Woah… Are those real? Sorry, I mean…Okay, look, I didn’t think I would make it this far! I paid someone to ghostwrite a stupid little book about my childhood and now suddenly I’m about to be in one of the most important positions in the world! I couldn’t tell you a single amendment besides the second one! I barely know how to read! I don’t know what’s happening! I have to catch up!” Vance, now crying, revealed he has fully re-enrolled as a student here at OSU to get another major in Political Science. (He also admitted that, even with his presidential salary, he’s still taking out loans to pay for tuition.)
I couldn’t talk to him any longer because I had to run to my normal people classes, but if any PoliSci majors notice a Daniel Joseph Maples in their classes, be sure to treat him kindly. Maybe, if you’re nice enough to him, you’ll find yourself in a position of unfathomable power you absolutely do not deserve, just like him.
UPDATE: An anonymous student in one of Vance’s classes sent us a tip saying that he dropped out after failing every syllabus quiz.
Written by Nadia Somerville