COLUMBUS, OH — During these uncertain times, The Ohio State University has decided to
implement a class to combat the growing racial ignorance throughout the country. However, in
the face of the incoming Trump presidency, the university found itself forced to find a pre-existing
curriculum to apply to the course so it could be created before President Trump’s ban on Critical
Race Theory. After rigorous research done by Race-Expert Ted Carter, it was determined that
the course will be based on Camila Cabello’s “Racial Healing Sessions” that she partook in after
a short-lived cancellation in 2019, considering that she appeared in that weird Amazon Prime
Cinderella movie two years later.
The syllabus of the Racial Healing Sessions (Course name: COCKAZN 1492) includes an entry
essay where students are required to list as many racial slurs that they can think of and then
they get slapped for each individual word. For extra credit in this assignment, a student can
invent a racial slur themselves, for which they will get spanked. Other assignments include not
being weird when a person of color says that all white people are racist, watching a movie with
an all-POC cast all the way through without complaining, and refraining from laughing at any
jokes from Tony Hinchcliffe’s standups. The midterm will be to watch the trailer for Disney’s live
action Snow White and not complain about Rachel Zegler being cast as the lead. This
assignment should be pass-fail, but many students think that they can slip some
microaggressions in with their comments like “She just doesn’t look like the cartoon” or “She
doesn’t act like a princess”. Those students had to retake the Healing Session.
The final, however, is incredibly more challenging for the students. The project is to have dinner
with a person of color (no, they can not be 3⁄4 white) and not constantly whitesplain the concept
of systemic racism to them with the student’s newfound, base-level knowledge of CRT. Failing
the final includes actions such as:
1. Asking their dinner mate where they’re really from
2. Asking to touch their dinner mate’s hair
3. Asking if the dinner mate has ever eaten dogs or cats
4. Saying the words “you people”. In any context. Does not matter what.
5. Any mentions of terrorism or random historical events
6. “Actually, you’re not meant to eat [insert ethnic food] like that”
7. Getting weird when their dinner mate mentions anything about their culture or race or
lived experiences
8. Just generally making the dinner mate conscious of their race in relation to the student’s
whiteness
This class has a 5% pass expectancy and is considered OSU’s most difficult course.
Additionally, due to Race-Expert Ted Carter’s last-minute installation of the course and his
commitment to fair employment practices, only white professors will be allowed to teach this
class. To get rid of that DEI discrimination, of course.
Written by Dalina Houavinglay