Around this cold and miserable season in Central Ohio, the promises of brighter pastures appear in unexpected places: a well-balanced Terra Byte Mocha, Phone Time in Bed, and Career Fairs. Career Fairs promise an allure of great salaries and terrible healthcare plans for the thousands of sweaty college seniors desperate for something to show their parents that OSU was worth the money.
However, in the past several years, Career Fairs have become known for one ubiquitous phrase: “Apply online.” This seemingly innocent phrase hides a deeper secret: there is almost no point, it seems, to hold these events anymore. And even when you “apply online”, your resumé is sent across the web for some AI chatbot to review, conveniently “forgetting to notify you” when it doesn’t want to play with you anymore. This leads many students and loyal Sundial patrons to wonder: how do you land one of those damn “internships”?
The Sundial prides itself on hard-hitting, factual journalism based on the ethical standards in our Constitution. So when we wanted to tackle this question, we turned to the one thing recruiters love: the second-cheapest bottle of prosecco in a sterile hotel bar. We had a hard time cracking any of our suspects, but we finally landed on one that would talk and give us the coveted answer to our question. We’re keeping her anonymous, but a shortened transcript is below:
SUNDIAL: “What would you say is the #1 thing students can do to successfully land an internship in 2025?”
INTERVIEWEE: “I think there are several great pathways. We have years-long mentorship programs to judge your personality, stupid assessments to judge your skills… I’d also say nepotism is a good one. Yeah, a lot of our guys come from nepotism. The church sends us some too”
SUNDIAL: “Let me get this right, Mrs. Raquelle Smith-Adams of Big Pharmatech. What you are saying, on the record, is that the only way to get an internship is to either pray or become a nepo-baby?”
INTERVIEWEE: “Yeah, dude. How do you think I landed my little job? My father gave me a small loan of a million dollars, and that helped pay for the recruiting fee! I’d have no idea where to even begin today. Good luck, babe!”
There you have it, folks! If you have access to the two great modern hacks of family loans or intense worship, The Sundial recommends you invest in those skills and go nuts. Otherwise, you can just do what the rest of us do, and have an AI write our application that another AI will review. Isn’t innovation just a wonderful thing?
Good luck during job-hunting season, Buckeyes! Our Lord ChatGPT knows we’ll need it.
Written by Diego Phoyú