In this day and age, it is so rare that we see students facing the utmost adversity, who against all odds, are able to thrive at a highly ranked college. However, Ohio State University Junior Henry Spencer has done so and has lived to tell his tale. It all started on the rough streets of Cleveland; Beachwood, that is.

“It takes hard work to get the kind of technology you need to succeed during college. When I was 17, it took me 2 months of calling my mom a bitch before she actually bought me a MacBook. Damn, it sure pays to be white.” Henry recalls the first time he got his “beloved first son Lil Natty”, as he calls it. “I opened it up as fast as I could right in the middle of the Apple store. I couldn’t wait a single second to slap some Patagonia and Vineyard Vines stickers onto it.”

Henry remembers many happy memories with this $900 piece of technology that took 3 of his mom’s blowjobs to convince his dad to actually buy.

“My favorite times with Lil Natty would have to be scrolling through the Word Star twitter during every single Calc 1 class. That and watching Oompa Loompa porn, but please don’t print that.”

However, this remarkable relationship halted to a bitter end during the summer of 2017. “There’s no nice way to say this, but I spilled bong water on Lil Natty while showing off my dick on Omegle like it was 2013 or some shit. It was really heartbreaking, but luckily, two weeks later my mom bought me another one after I firmly reminded her that since I’m a finance major, I’m actually going to get a real job someday so she better respect me otherwise she’s not going to get one cent of the bank I’m about to make. I thank the Lord our God every day that that tactic was successful. My second son Jordan Peterson and I have been going strong ever since. It’s hardly been easy, but nothing worth doing ever is.”

It is a compelling tale of woe and heartache, told by the kid who definitely called you a “gaylord” in middle school, but 5 years later, asked you to send him dick pics. It proves that with hard work and determination, anyone can use their wits to get themselves ahead in life. If Henry Spencer can muster up the courage to open up a new laptop and start anew, by George you can too.

Written by Emmy Pratt, Staff Member