The Olentangy Trail is amuck today as students of all standings violently respond to a press release made today by the Olentangy River Restoration Project: “We’ve finished our study, and the geese are just fucking up the river too much. The only way to combat the geese’s shit is to actually combat the geese,” Margaret Spiesman, the head of the Olentangy River Restoration Project said as Columbus City Council aides handed the reporters boxing gloves.
Upon hearing the news, Ohio State Students rushed to defend their river, attacking geese on sight. “It’s actually pretty easy,” Ryan Bobczeko explained. “They have super long necks. Just grab ‘em and give ‘em a good shake.”
The Olentangy River Restoration Projects has also made it clear that students are to practice restraint when engaged in hand-to-beak combat. “A few good hits should be enough, it’s important to not go overboard.” Spiesman added during the press release. “We don’t actually want to kill any geese, We just want them to know this is our turf, so they stay away.”
Written by Zach Levy, Staff Writer