I consider myself quite the cinephile, but the one thing I love more than buying a ticket to Movieland is some good-natured fun at my wife’s expense. Since our marriage in 2009, my love for my wife has only grown, (as has our substantial Blu-ray collection), but that doesn’t mean we stopped joking around! I know more about the Coen Brothers’ filmography than I do about my own brother’s children, but when you tell me the title of one of their films I still respond gleefully with “you mean my wife?” Here are some of the best film titles I willfully misunderstand in order to take potshots at my spouse.

The Big Short
Director Adam McKay’s tight scriptwriting and political insight make it all the more fun to imply that “The Big Short” is my wife and not the huge profits made from the 2008 housing crash.

The Nightmare Before Christmas
Jack Skellington may be the Pumpkin King, but my wife certainly isn’t the Gift-Wrapping Queen! Every time the two of us end up covered in tape and decorative paper I wish some magical being really would end the wretched holiday.

Some Like It Hot
I knew my wife liked to relax but I didn’t know she wanted to live in a dang sauna! Marilyn Monroe stars in this 1959 gender-bending thriller, but the real star of the show is my heating bill.

Mad Max Fury Road
My wife! You’d think she wants to join Immortan Joe’s War Boys based on how fast she drives our 2015 Honda CRV. I’d like to get to Giant Eagle as much as the next guy, but the speed seems unnecessary given we’re not being chased by a band of hungry cannibals (unless you count our kids in the back!)

Beauty and the Beast
Slam! Did you mean the 1991 animated Disney feature? Because I thought you were referring to my wife. Normally, seeing my wonderful spouse fills my heart with joy, but when she’s clipping her toenails it’s a whole different story. You may not want to “be our guest” once you see the keratin graveyard in the extra bathroom!

American Beauty
This attempted compliment was already on shaky ground because of the film’s theme of underage attraction, but now that star Kevin Spacey is credibly accused of sexual assault I think I’ll just scrap the whole thing!

A Beautiful Mind
Much better. This compliment is more meaningful AND Russel Crowe seems like a really good guy. Who said zingers had to be mean?

Written by Ian Gray, Contributor