Thursday night, sometime from 11:18 to 11:34, every single week, without fail. I’m lying in my bed, parched as a leopard in the dry African football off-season, when my roommate climbs down from his top bunk, to go relieve himself in the bathroom down the hall. It takes about 3 min (I know because I’ve timed it for a whole semester, removed outliers, and averaged it). This is 3 min that he will never get back, and he needs all the time he can get if he wants to graduate with a pharmacy and finance double major with a minor in legal studies. 

To top it all off, he doesn’t even hit the toilet half the time. He can’t spare the effort to either sit down or aim like the normal human being he consistently claims to be. Every time I check to see if he flushed the toilet or not, I always end up stepping in a puddle of urine- gross. Who wants piss on their feet? Probably some weirdo who is into feet or something.

So, of course, I approached him with the following solution: Why don’t you piss in my mouth? 

Now, you may be thinking to yourself how outrageous it is for me to have to explain myself, like Craig demanded. So, I tried my best not to treat him like an imbecile, while producing an easel and illustrating the following:

  • If he pisses in my mouth, he wouldn’t have to get off his bed, he could just roll over, project the stream over the edge, and I’d be waiting, with my mouth wide open.
    • He wouldn’t even have to aim; I’d be fine if any of it went up my nose or in my hair (just as long as it doesn’t get on my feet *gag*).
  • Hydration is important
    • I can use his sweet yellow nectar to quench my thirst, and tell Craig he should be drinking more water (or piss, preferably) if he needs to
  • It would be a bonding experience that would make our roommate-ship stronger and more enjoyable
  • I wouldn’t have to keep stealing his beers from the mini fridge (I like them because they taste like piss)

At this point, Craig decided that he needed to go work on his pharmacy project in the shower because I had “weirded him out” somehow. He hasn’t really talked to me since, but I’m keeping my mouth wide open in case he wants to accept my offer (and then piss in my mouth.)

Written by David Karow