LÜTZEN, GERMANY – Dead long enough to develop a piss fetish, nihilist German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche rose from the grave yesterday to impart new wisdom unto the world. “If you piss into the abyss, the abyss will piss back at you,” Nietzsche’s shambling corpse said, his walrus-handlebar mustache still in prime condition. “This occurred after so much staring into the abyss, I thought ‘Why not piss into the abyss and see what happens?’ and so I did. Turns out, the abyss does not like that – since the abyss is nothing a mirror of the depressedly hollow, existential self, pissing into the abyss (a-piss) means pissing both into and back at yourself. The interplay must have activated a Freudian life instinct or something because the next thing I knew, baddabing baddaboom! I’ve got a piss fetish.” At press time, from his burial place in Germany, Nietzsche was combing his monumental mustache and waxing poetic like “piss-ass weird stuff happens when you’re dead, I guess” while resignedly (yet nervously) eyeing a particularly yellow patch of grass atop his own grave.
Written by Peter Muzawla, Staff Writer