The United States of America, 10/12/2020
The indigenous people of this nation have recently been voicing concerns over land usage on the continent on this side of the Atlantic. According to one indigenous leader, who chose to stay anonymous, the terms of the initial lease signed centuries ago have been violated time and again by the current tenants. He said, “We leased out this land for residential use only, but it is being used for all sorts of activities including hosting Coachella and rave parties”. He further said, “According to the initial lease, the tenants are responsible for maintaining and fixing the property including painting the walls and ceiling. However, painting the ceiling of the California room orange is forbidden”. Another leader commented that while not included in the lease terms, the other side of the Atlantic proposed Paris Climate Agreement which could have been followed to ensure adherence to the maintenance clause in the lease.
The indigenous leaders were visibly furious over repeated violations of the pet policy. Another leader said “Our initial lease terms indicated that no foreign pets shall be allowed on the continent. But one of the former vice-patriarchs of the property (Joe Biden) claiming the current patriarch (Donald Trump) to be Putin’s puppy raises suspicion of a violation of the agreement”. However, Putin’s ‘puppy’ stays indoors in either the White House or plays at Mar-a-Lago and is not a big concern according to the lease terms, while the other tenants may disagree with the puppy’s behavior lately. Among the most serious violators of the pet policy are the crew members of the Netflix-exclusive title ‘Tiger King’ since tigers are not native to this continent. One of the perpetrators, Joe Exotic also used the foreign pets for an unsuccessful election campaign to become the property’s patriarch in 2016. In his own words, “First thing is, I’m not cutting my hair, I’m not changing the way I dress, I refuse to wear a suit”. While a dress code is not strictly required by the lease agreement, the tenants and especially the property’s patriarchs/matriarchs are expected to dress up to highly respectable standards.
As a consequence, the indigenous leaders have decided to re-negotiate lease terms with the US government on November 26th, a Thursday in November. The leaders will at least lobby for deduction of the security deposit incurred due to ceiling paint and pet-related damages. However, obtaining the security deposit seems unlikely considering the US’s exorbitant federal deficit prompting the leaders to consider cryptocurrency options.
Written by Yuvraj Singh, Staff Writer