KOTTMAN HALL – The School of Environment and Natural Resources has announced that it has decided to discontinue its Forestry, Fisheries, and Wildlife program after several inappropriate research methods had been unveiled recently including the use of sexual acts upon unsuspecting hardwood on campus. This comes after a student had recently admitted in a reddit post that they had committed such an act upon an unsuspecting tree in the early morning hours before most people were on campus.
Upon further investigation, it appears that this incident is deeply rooted in a culture that has supported inappropriate and questionable methods of research. When asked for comment, a spokesperson for SENR replied, “We cannot leave any incident like this go unpunished. We must branch out and put an axe to these shenanigans before they grow into a problem that we cannot control.”
I spoke to the student behind the post and subsequent controversy who wished to remain anonymous. They had little to add to the story aside from the fact that they “thought their actions were completely normal and that there’s nothing wrong with finger blasting a little treeussy,” to which I immediately reminded them that it absolutely is not. After some back and forth following this exchange, the student was able to agree that not only were these practices unethical and that they may have been confused when instructed to plant seed.
As for the fate of the Forestry, Fisheries, and Wildlife program at Ohio State, sources have confirmed that it will cease to exist after all four students in it have graduated which is slated to happen by 2024.
Written by Michael Figueroa, Contributor