THE OVAL – In a shocking turn of events, protestors from the Just Stop Oil movement have vandalized the statue of William Oxley Thompson located in the Oval, as well as the bust of the former university president located in the east entranceway of Thompson Library.
In their dramatic assault, the protestors began by spraying blue and yellow paint all over the outside statue. “We wanted to send a real message,” one of the protestors said. “We wanted to get the worlds attention and we thought finding the ugliest color combination on the planet would certainly propel our voices.”
When asked about the motivation behind the acts, one protestor stated “Our message is pretty clear. We have to stop oil. Oil is being all oily and we have to stop it. If we don’t, everything will be slippery and no one will be able to walk around or anything.”
The protest then moved on to Thompson Library where they found the bust waiting. The activists proceeded to superglue their shaved heads to the bust while spraying silly string all over the lobby. Naturally it took hours for campus police to respond. Upon arrival it took nearly an hour to separate the protestors from the bust. After having done so the protestors were escorted off campus.
In a statement from the current university president Dr. Kristina Johnson, “The Ohio State University strongly condemns any sort of vandalism on campus property. In the meantime, we still don’t give a shit about what the students have to say and because of that, we’re gonna build another natural gas plant because fuck you.”
Written by Michael Figueroa, Staff Writer