That article about dating a girl with an Eating Disorder was useful and inspirational, but now that you’re bored with her, remember that there are plenty of other fish in the sea. Here are five reasons to try a Narcoleptic:

  • Excessive Daytime Sleepiness means it’s always bedtime. The first sign of Narcolepsy is increased daytime sleepiness. Pretend to be caring and sweet by offering to take naps with her. Getting into a bed is the first step toward having sex.
  • Catch her when she faints –you’ll be her hero! After that it’s a Disney movie: she wakes up in your arms, you tell her you saved her life by not letting her head hit the floor, maybe give her a True Love’s First Kisson the lips for good measure, and she’ll be actually swooning and not just succumbing to her ailment in no time.
  • She can’t eat if she’s sleeping all the time. Think about it. Unless she’s sleep-eating (which can be a side effect of Narcolepsy; keep the fridge on lock-down), she’s burning up to 55 calories per hour every time she goes into one of her “episodes.” Plus, if she’s sleepwalking, that’s even more exercise. This means you’ll have a skinnier and therefore more appealing girlfriend because, as we know, skinniness is the sole indicator of beauty.
  • She has vivid hypnagogic hallucinations. Basically, this means she’s having crazy acid-trip dreams, but she has trouble distinguishing them from reality. You can use this to your advantage! Every time you mess up, just say it was Dream You, and you’re in the clear! Then you can use her guilt from blaming you to get yourself some sweet, sweet “I’m sorry” sex.
  • She may have a trigger. That is, your annoying girlfriend may have an “off button.” So when she wants to take you shoe shopping, or you just want to play GTA V in peace, or if she’s nagging about how you’re taking advantage of her disability, just tap the middle of her forehead, or pinch the back of her neck –whatever triggers her Narcolepsy –and she’ll be out like a neurologically disordered light.

This article was published in November 2013 amidst the “5 Reasons to Date a Girl with an Eating Disorder” Controversy, and was intended as a satirical jab at any individual who would seek to take advantage of those with disabilities. If you are interested in some real, factual information about narcolepsy click on these links:

http://www.wakeupnarcolepsy.org/about-wake-up-narcolepsy/narcolepsy-goes-school/

http://sleep.stanford.edu/

-Bri Forney, Senior Staff-Writer