This February 14, some 53% of Ohio State students will be without company– that is to say, they will be very much single. Maybe that’s a conscious choice, which we applaud you for, or maybe it wasn’t. Either way, the holiday can be a bummer, and we know you’ve got some folks in your past that have scarred you beyond repair. We’ve got your back! Get your spirits up this Valentine’s Day with our favorite ways to haunt and/or hunt your ex, or anyone who has ever wronged you.

Haunting Method

If you have someone who needs to be painfully reminded of your existence this year, what better way to do so than by haunting them in real life? These tricks are cheap, easy, and are sure to make them regret what happened between you guys. Stealth is encouraged, but not required!

● Simulate ectoplasm by pouring vegetable oil on tile or hardwood floors.

● Hide a box fan behind their curtains to replicate a phantom interference. As the curtains billow menacingly and inexplicably, speak into the fan to distort your voice and pick at their insecurities. You could say, “you’re ugly,” or “what’s wrong with you,” or “you look like a big AJR fan.”

If you would like some energetic assistance, you could also play YouTube Subliminals to encourage fear and/or remorse. We recommend “`ღ´- Desired Person Loses Everyone Subliminal” or “Deadly fever, please don’t ever break”

● Leave a vintage locket with your picture inside (or any image that will remind them of you, like your water bottle or a photo of Willem Dafoe) in their kitchen. Soak the image in coffee beforehand to make it look older and spookier!

● Put cold spaghetti noodles in their coffee mugs to mimic ghostly entrails.

● Pour Ms. Meyer’s Lavender Tub & Tile into their houseplants. It has a slightly spicy, unsettling scent that could have come from a ghoul. Either way, their plants will be dead by the end of the week!

Hunting Method

If talking about your feelings via faux-supernatural disturbance isn’t your style, round up your ride or dies (or go solo) and partake in some good, old-fashioned physical aggression. Here are a few tips to ensure your V-day plans are no wild goose chase.

● If you’re an introvert, stalking is the way to go. What you do once you’ve captured your target is up to you, but we suggest following them in public places at a medium distance. You were probably familiar with their campus haunts at some point, or maybe you still have their class schedule– so use that! Hang around the Grubhub pickup at their favorite campus cafe or stare daggers at them at the library. Stay completely silent, even if they approach you, until you’ve tormented them for a good few hours and finally closed in on them.

● If you’re more sociable, invite them to a duel! Send them a Snapchat or text asking them to meet up (we suggest 18th Ave Library) and then battle to regain your dignity. You can use any form of tactical gear for this, but we recommend those rubber Block O STEP keychains they gave people at the involvement fair. They can really do some damage! This one doesn’t feel like hunting, but if you bring backup and get your friends to hide behind benches or Lime scooters, you can stack the odds in your favor.

● Finally, if you’re looking to go the peaceful route, sabotage the toilets in one of their classroom buildings. When they go to use the bathroom after class, the toilet won’t flush, and they’ll think it was all their fault. As they’re panicking, they’ll leave the bathroom only to discover that you’re conveniently standing nearby, which is when you ask them if they knew what all that clanging was about and what their plans are for the night. Be sure to tell them all about your new boyfriend (Willem Dafoe will also work here) and how interesting it is that he’s never clogged a toilet in his life.

Written by Olivia Dearth, Contributor