Last year, President Kristina M. Johnson announced the university’s plan to build Carmenton – a 270-acre “district” that would include new restaurants, retail outlets, and residence halls. Earlier this week, Interim President Brutus Buckeye announced a complete reversal of his predecessor’s policies by canceling the new Carmenton project. Brutus – in a morse code type communication by punching his head several times – went on to explain his own plan to reallocate the Carmenton funds to the construction of a Chinatown on West Campus.

“Of the nearly 6,000 international students attending our university, the majority are Chinese,” Brutus declared. “The university is proud to have them here with us. However, my advisers report that many in the on-campus Chinese community have trouble fitting in with the rest of the students. It’s difficult for them to make friends and get involved. Well, my administration wants everyone to feel welcome, so to help integrate our Chinese students into the community we’re going to force them all to live far away on West Campus.”

Ohio State students began sharing their reactions on Twitter even before Brutus’ speech had ended. “Brutus is a bona fide genius,” Tweeted one student. “It’ll be so cool to have a Chinatown on campus. Now students can study abroad without leaving the city!” 

“Are you hearing this, @ChrisTucker @JackieChan?” Tweeted another student. “You guys will be able to film Rush Hour 4 right here in Columbus!”

However, not all of the responses were positive. “Wtf, Brutus?” Tweeted one disgruntled student. “We don’t need a Chinatown; we already have Panda Express.”

Toward the end of his speech, Brutus revealed that the final phase of the university’s Chinatown plan would entail the construction of a “Great Wall of Ohio” intended to keep out people from Michigan. “I am going to build a Great Wall,” Brutus bragged. “Nobody builds walls better than me, believe me. My wall will make the one in China look like a Lego set… I’m talking Game of Thrones-sized. And the best part? I’m going to make the University of Michigan pay for it all!”

Written by Wally Green, Staff Writer