COLUMBUS, OH – This past Wednesday night, thousands of first year students gathered around the North Campus Clock Tower to stone one freshman who won this year’s housing lottery.
Shirley Jackson, a computer and information science major, checked BuckeyeMail on her 17-inch gaming computer during a lecture. After plugging in her mechanical keyboard and wired mouse, Jackson found her received number 1. Thinking the numbers were a countdown, she complained to those around him about the poor luck.
“I thought she was just trying to humble brag, but then she kept complaining about how she was gonna be stuck in the towers,” states an anonymous student. “I should’ve just let him think that—but I needed him to shut up.”
Jackson was overjoyed by the correction and took to her anonymous Reddit account to brag. As anger spread between the iPad-less freshman, all frustration was pointed towards this anonymous user.
A witch hunt quickly began. Still annoyed, the aforementioned anonymous student replied to Reddit and campus Snapchat posts informing everyone that it was Shirley Jackson. Word spread, and Jackson was taken from her north-campus dorm to the clock tower, where hundreds of ravenous students had gathered. The group was initially confused why their wasn’t any weed, but then charged him, throwing stones at speeds comparable to a High Street biker. With no chance of escape, she was swiftly killed.
Buckeye Gaming Collective, in which Jackson is a member, laments the loss and will hold a vigil over Discord on Friday. As for her lottery number—it was reassigned to the student who threw the first stone. Congratulations!
Written by Mary Klym, Contributor