NEIL AVE, COLUMBUS – This week, residents of Mack Hall were taken aback by a squirrel digging in the flowerbeds lining Neil avenue. For one, the mulch being disturbed was relatively fresh, as residents of South Campus can recall. The front steps of Siebert Hall were blocked off by a massive pile of dirt last month as landscapers rejuvenated the South dorms with mud trails and leaf blower noises. This incident though, was only a precursor of the miracle to come.
The squirrel, vandalizing our campus by searching for an acorn that clearly wasn’t there, shocked students by instead discovering the body of the Savior in a shallow hole next to the sidewalk.
“I literally saw the son of God on Neil this afternoon,” one eyewitness said. In the hour following the discovery, a train of students was seen leaving Marketplace at Neil to visit the site.
Another student shared, “We just couldn’t believe it. It feels like we’ve been depraved for so long, but finally our prayers have been answered. My soul has been fed.”
Indeed, such pilgrims were fed– the students that departed from the closest campus eatery were armed with black plastic spoons, with which they began excavating further into the ground and consuming the dirt. It was almost poetic, the way they were so eagerly shoveling the earth into their mouths. The Savior, a pale white figure coated with black dust, disappeared into the mass of his servants. All that remained of him was blown up to heaven by a stray leaf blower.
Such a historic event left the OSU Community scrambling for answers. Unfortunately, few were available to answer the call– nearly all of the university’s practicing Christian students had returned home for Easter weekend. Jackson Bean, the only Catholic school alum left on campus, told the Sundial: “I think my favorite thing about Easter is when Jesus straight up cheated death.” That wasn’t helpful, so we instead approached the Soil Chemistry class that is always set up on the oval. What Christian Jesus, a Supply Chain Management major, shared with us was truly shocking:
“I don’t know how, but that squirrel stumbled upon a massive deposit of Mud Pie Parfait. There wasn’t a person in that hole. Thank god though– I haven’t seen those on campus in weeks!”
While the disappearance of mud pie parfaits is something the Sundial has been following for weeks now, we encourage you to forward any other evidence of their return to our Instagram account so that we can get to the bottom of this.
Written by Olivia Dearth, Contributor