Earlier this year, Ohio State President Kristina M. Johnson shocked the world when she announced her resignation. No details have been released by the University explaining the reason for her sudden departure. But after months of investigation, the Sundial can now exclusively report that President Johnson was forced to resign after an FBI investigation discovered her connections to the Mafia. Specifically, President Johnson was revealed to be the boss of the notorious Buckeye crime family.
Before relocating to Columbus, the Buckeye crime family was headquartered on Ohio State’s Newark campus, until someone realized that it wasn’t in Newark, New Jersey. Reportedly, the family uses Buckeye Donuts on High Street as a front for their operations. Johnson saw her opportunity to seize power after the retirement of the Buckeye family’s former boss, Les Wexner. Johnson gained the status of “Godmother” after a months-long gangland war on the streets of Columbus, which resulted in the widely-publicized deaths of notorious gangsters Tommy “Ugly Tuna” DeVito, Carmine “Gabagool” Lupertazzi, Luca “Block O” Brasi, and Vincent “Tree Fucker” Vega. Johnson was later able to use the family’s connections to become President of the University.
President Johnson’s crimes were only fully discovered thanks to a confidential informant working for the FBI. Brutus Buckeye, who was the president’s former consigliere, wore a wire and captured damning audio of the president ordering Ohio State’s football team to purposefully lose to Michigan and Georgia so she could cash in on millions of dollars worth of sporting bets. “You’ve gotta botch the game, capisce?” President Johnson can be heard saying. “And make it look real, or else my cousins Sonny and Corrado will be paying you a little visit. The IRS better not suspect a thing; I need this cash for my retirement fund.”
Mysteriously, Brutus disappeared soon after cooperating with the FBI. Although his current whereabouts are unknown, campus police found his costume head on the bank of the Olentangy River with two fish placed inside.
President Johnson is expected to be indicted soon, and now that she has officially left the university she will likely be arrested in the coming days.
Written by Wally Green