There’s nothing worse than having a professor expect you to write a discussion post and a reply to two of your peers that doesn’t sound like there’s a gun being held to your head. Lucky for you, you can turn this forced social interaction into a round of your favorite forced-choice game.

Step 1: Fuck

You’ve got three options, which is more than you’ve ever had: yourself, or two of your classmates. Unfortunately, you’ll have to pick just one instead of forming a polycule. Maybe it’d just be best to go with yourself? It’s quite handy that you have the most experience there. So, do it. Go fuck yourself.

Breaking your discussion post virginity can be scary, so always use protection. We recommend using Chegg, ChatGPT, or the notes you stole from your Classroom Crush (Now they’ll HAVE to talk to you). Seduce your peers into thinking you’re more experienced with the topic than you are. This is the first time you’ve thought about the class all week, but if you take it slow and steady, a somewhat coherent opinion will come.

Step 2: Marry

You’re not married to your initial post. It’s just a one night stand and you won’t remember a single detail of it tomorrow. Divorce yourself from your opinion and propose to one of your classmates that their perspective is right.

Go ahead and love bomb them: Pay the most attention to their post because you’ve never read something more insightful, thought provoking, and intelligent. Nominate them for The Pulitzer Prize! Call up the Norwegian Nobel Committee! Make them feel heard, seen, and worthy. Then, abandon them and move onto another classmate’s post. Become the runaway bride your mother was too scared to be.

Step 3: Kill

Just like your Republican uncle learning about they/them pronouns, you’re not going to make any effort to understand or support your final classmate’s post.

Tear them to shreds, making them wish they were never born–or at least that they hadn’t signed up for this class. If you put enough effort in, you’ll end up learning more about the topic than you did to hazily write your own initial post.

After trying these steps, you’ll have successfully completed your discussion for the week. The professor will be so unbelievably impressed when they barely glance at your responses and give everyone a 100% participation grade. Congrats!

Written by Holden Klym