TRADITIONS AT MORRILL – OSU Dining Services leadership has announced a strategic currency pivot for our campus’s local Sodexo reseller establishments. Effective immediately, meal swipes will be phased out in favor of ration books. University president Ted Carter said this change spearheads a new directive to make the school more “war-ready”:
“Our students are doing school all wrong these days. Instead of steak nights and hope in humanity, our ‘lecturers’ should teach them about the real life of a soldier: hunger, trench foot, and despair. That way, they’re ready to fight for our paramilitary when we finally invade Ann Arbor.”
One Ration book will be distributed to every eligible student living on North and South campuses. With their rations, students can choose from many wonderful daily food allotments including and limited to: government cheese.
“I was wondering why the line into Scott was so long,” uttered a panicked TA, so hurried to get back to her lab she forgot to tell us her name. “Turns out so many of the freshmen used up their rations earlier in the week and had to pair up to afford their block of government cheese. Thankfully the Chemistry department gives us extra shavings of government cheese instead of tuition reimbursement!”
OSU is taking care of this need for extra food storage space by renovating Traditions at Morrill into the new Les and Abigail Wexner Cheese Cave and Watering Hole. Because of this, West Campus and CFAES Students are alternatively being asked to suck directly from the teets of the cows on Waterman Farm.
“The cows only milk twice a day, so if you’re in class then you’re fucked. Even if you make it, it’s still tough since some of the cows aren’t in the mood. I may need to suck but I’d never do it unconsensully.”
Make sure to use up your swipes by Friday night, Buckeyes! Experience tells us you won’t eat like a human again until you’re sitting at the Thanksgiving Dinner table.
Written by Holden Klym and Diego Phoyú