Jane Kelly: Welcome readers! Jane Kelly from Fox News here and today I sit down with Gary Stills, who has the miraculous ability to live forever and never need to sleep. Thank you so much for coming in today to tell your story. I can only imagine how it feels to bring back all these memories.
Gary Stills: Oh, it’s really no problem. What else am I going to do? Sleep? Ah, I kid. But it seems to me that you are more nervous than I am.
JK: Is it that obvious? I’m sorry. This is my first big news story and I’m just excited they let me interview you with all your stories. But anyways, back to you! Please describe what exactly happened to you to make you this way.
GS: I mean nothing really happened. I guess I was just born this way.
JK: Oh, okay. That’s interesting. What gives you these abilities?
GS: The hell if I know
JK: Alright, moving on. You seem fairly young, how do you know that you can’t die?
GS: Well there has been several times where I should have died but I guess I just… didn’t.
JK: Fascinating! Would you mind elaborating on that?
GS: Well they go from car accidents, the one time I went skydiving with no parachute and just falling out of bed, which kills more people than you’d think.
JK: Hold on, you went skydiving without a parachute??
GS: Yeah, of course. You can do whatever the hell you want when you can’t die.
JK: Well that makes sense I guess. So do you do anything interesting with all your free time?
GS: Not really, I don’t do much. I just sit around my house and people watch out the window. I used to read a lot but I read every book in my house.
JK: Do you work?
GS: No…
JK: And you don’t read anymore?
GS: Not really…
JK: Have you tried writing your own book? Maybe like an autobiography?
GS: Oh, hell no.
JK: Do you travel a lot?
GS: Nope.
JK: Well then, Gary, what do you do all day? Anything interesting? Something?
GS: Oh wait, I know!
JK: What is it??
GS: Netflix!
JK: Netflix?
GS: Yeah! You know how on Netflix it doesn’t really give you much warning until the next episode starts?
JK: Well yeah, I guess so.
GS: I sit down to watch one, maybe two episodes of Friends and before I know it I’ve watched the entire series of How I Met Your Mother, Sister Wives, Wife Swap, 30 Rock, and Law and Order.
JK: Oh, that seems nice.
GS: I’ve also seen the movie Sharknado 37 times. Oh yeah, and that classic independent movie starring teen heartthrob Jesse McCartney called Keith.
JK: Jesse McCartney isn’t a teen anymore… and barely a heartthrob.
GS: WHAT!? I refuse to believe it. What year is it?
JK: It’s 2014, sir.
GS: YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!
JK: What’s wrong, Gary?
GS: This is the first time I’ve left my house in five years!
JK: No more questions.
-Lauren Moliterno, Contributor