In today’s America, people don’t have the time to be worried about EVERYTHING that is happening around the world around them. Americans have rent to pay, places to be, medical bills to pay, things to do, and network television to watch. It’s understandable that we don’t have the TIME to read the news, voice opinions, and generally stay informed.

Since regular normal people don’t have the time/patience to care stay informed about everything important current news events, I will use my definitely expert journalistic prowess* to bring those people up to speed in a humorous and wacky way.

Scotland: Some Scots want independence, others don’t really want independence, and people who aren’t Scottish/British/from the UK/political analysts don’t really know what the hell this is all about. I share the last groups sentiment, but I DO know that on September 18th a vote was called to see if Scotland would secede from the UK. They did not, and now things over there feel weird.

Scotland’s current Facebook Relationship status: “It’s Complicated with England.”

Putin: So this is a bit of old news, but I thought it was about time to bring it up anyways. Every day I hear a question that simply asks “what the hell is going on in Russia?” Well, let me tell you everyone, Vladimir Putin is what is going on. More specifically, this real world Lex Luthor is ready to get into some action. Crimea? Yeah, that’s his now. Frankly, if Putin wants Russia to start WW3 I may be okay with it. We gamers need a new war for our military simulators, and it’d be awesome playing as Vladimir Putin single-handedly taking down the entire world with nothing but his fists.

Ferguson, Missouri: So a guy (possibly) got wrongfully shot by a police officer in a suburb of St. Louis. Okay, so he actually was almost definitely shot without probable cause, but that doesn’t really matter because (insert probable reason for doubt). What DOES matter is that this led to people calling for change in a polite tone. Then, the Missouri state police came out in great numbers and called for change in large numbers. Also, racism was had by many. (Editor’s Note: We are NOT taking a stance on the Ferguson unrest. The Sundial is a college humor magazine. Kelli is just a political whack-job)

Net Neutrality: Okay, so I’m writing about this despite the fact that this thing is came to a head Monday, September 22nd. Who cares about journalistic integrity or whatever. Apparently Internet providers want more money and plan to get it by doing something with Net neutrality. You know what, they deserve it anyway, only commies want lower prices. I’m just kind of surprised there isn’t another funny sound associated with what’s happening this time. Last time it was SOPA and the time before that it was FERPA. What do I do without a funny onomatopoeia?

ALL HAIL COMCAST.

 

Presidential Election 2016: This isn’t current, this is the future. Hillary Clinton, Rand Paul, Probably Some White Dude, and George Bush the 3rd are soon going to be flooding your screens to either talk shit about someone or talk about how they’re awesome! After all everyone who can should go out and vote, because we live in the most free country on the planet where people can choose one of two choices legitimately. If you want my personal opinion, I think you know who I’ll be voting for.

*Editor: By “expert journalistic prowess” Kelli means that he googled these current events and decided to summarize them in a ridiculous way. Upon relating why The Sundial was cautious  publishing this piece, Kelli replied “just because something is threatening, offensive, or tragic doesn’t mean I can’t make fun of it.”

-Kelli Knipe, Staff-Member