If the Transformers toys have taught me anything, besides the fact that male and female stereotypes need to be established at a young age and that literally anything can be made into a movie given enough explosions and shots of Megan Fox’s backside, again supporting more gender roles, it’s that robots have distinguishable races based solely on voice, and more importantly, that there are robots in disguise. Anything can be a robot: my toaster, my television, and my vibrating massager wand (which is definitely for messaging my scalp, and nothing else.) This misconception, both for robots and totally non-sexual vibrators, can be applied to various subjects, including the mysteries of the animal kingdom. And if the internet has taught me anything, besides the fact that Transformers aren’t in fact transsexual toys made of former presidents, it’s that cat’s comprise AT LEAST 95% of the animal population, or at least the cute corners of it. So, in the vain hope for imaginary internet points, purr-haps I’ll tackle the common notion that cats are right pricks, because they actually aren’t, contrary to meow-dern thinking.
So why aren’t cats really just moody hipsters trapped for eternity in a fur coated hell, which is what a picture of a particularly grumpy cat told me in bold white text on Tumblr, so it must be true. Now, while my belief that eyelashes are really just the pubes of the face may not be scientifically accepted yet (Stupid Michio Kaku…), what is a scientific fact is that cats love their owner, it’s just they just have a hard time expressing their love, as if there were some sort of biological barrier that divided human and cat, as if cats don’t understand English, or any spoken language, not to be faulted with a common case of Eurocentrism (I didn’t look on Wikipedia for that word at all). Maybe they understand sign language, but are terrible “speakers”, on account of their paws and lack of respect for the disabled. It’s like my relationship with Spanish. I understand the reading and may even be able to write a few sentences. But, when asked to showcase these linguistic skills, I sound like a grandmother trying to read off the Taco Bell menu; everything is pronounced wrong and it’s a little offensive to certain cultures.
But maybe language and general basic communication practices aren’t the problem. Maybe the problem is how we, as humans, perceive love. Perhaps cats practice tough love. Not the tough love we are acquainted with through hardened coaches and sassy African-American caregivers, but a tough love of being a douche bag to your friends, like Bam Margera. The only reason he punches you in the nuts is because he cares about you. The reason he pissed on your hair? He wants to know how your parents are doing and if they finally sold the house. So, when your cat puts his asterisk like butthole on your mouth while you sleep, which does happen, know that he is saying, “Thank You”, for the food you provide, and the litterbox, which that food just went into right before the orifice touched your face. Cats love you, even if it looks like the total opposite of love, again, like Bam Margera. The same is true for dogs, but the opposite, as in fact, not the same at all. Dogs actually hate us. But we mistake a tail wag for happiness, even though it’s the canine equivalent of flicking the bird.
So now you probably doubt your whole views on domesticated pets, which means you probably doubt your entire existence. I can see you now, left wondering, “What is the answer to life itself?”, “Am I truly alive”, and “I thought this website sold sundials. I don’t know where I am and I STILL don’t know what time it is!” Well, let me first apologize to the people who went through this whole article looking for a sundial and all they got was a mind blowing true fact. We don’t sell outdated forms of time keeping, but we will still take your money. But to answer the real question, the only solid thing I know is that Gordon Gee will always be the president of The Ohio State University! Wait…What? I’m two years late on that joke? Umm…okay… then the only previously stated solid fact we have is that my vibrating massager wand is only for scalp relaxation, and nothing else. See, everything in the end relates to each other. Two solid facts: Cats and Proper use of a lovely product. And, if my messaging wand has taught us anything, it’s that things we once thought were assholes are now misunderstood organic objects of love and pleasure.
-James Wagner, Contributor