Maybe you’re searching for a ring for the special someone who is a little different? Maybe someone with more eclectic tastes? Well, I’ve got you covered. I put together this buying guide to make your life changing decision a little easier. You may doubt you choice in human partner, but you won’t doubt your choice of ring which matches their normally insufferable character flaws that you find so perfectly tolerable.
Dark Heart, Deep Love?
If your future fiancé likes the darker sides of the human condition, such as despair, solitude, and suffering. Do you wear m putting skulls on everything like its a heavy metal episode of Portlandia: then this is the ring for you!
This lovely piece features black rhodium coated 14k gold, an absolutely stunning 1.0 Ct amethyst, dazzling accent diamond inlays, and a totally kickass, rad as shit winged-skull. This ring is so fucking hardcore, it’ll bring Dimebag Darrell back to life so Pantera can perform at your wedding. If you play this ring backwards on a record player, you can hear drunk Gene Simmons watching QVC while all alone at home.
Nerd Compatibility Test? Now, some people believe that Star Wars fans and Star Trek fans can live together in harmony; however, if you’re the type of intolerant jerk who is unable to see that Star Wars is a great family friendly action-adventure franchise, while Star Trek is a thought-provoking, storytelling driven exploration franchise and both a great media, then these rings are for you!
Give her both of these wonderful diamond engagement rings and let her decide her true alliance. Will your nerdy partner respond “ad astra per aspera” and adorn the Starfleet ring, or will they join you on the Dark Side and don the Galactic Empire ring. Either way, your special someone will be happy knowing you still can’t move out of your parents’ basement because you spent too much money on two rings instead of one. Good luck selling back that garbage, nerd.
Loving Dangerously? Is your future life-partner a hooligan? A brawler? Someone who thinks brass knuckles are cool? Someone who is much too into Fight Club? Then, unfortunately, we have a ring(s) for you!
This stupid creation is probably just a bad joke (says the unselfaware comedy writer), but it is as tastefully done as four engagements rings spliced into a weapon could be. Just remember, when your fiancé finds out that its not made of real gold, you were the one who supplied them with the deadly weapon.
Fiancé a Football Fan? Bummer. We can’t all be winners. Well, condolences, and I guess the least I could do is offer you a ring suggestion to make that special someone happy. Maybe they’ll let you watch something else on Sundays and Mondays. Probably not, though. Again, my empathies, friend.
These gaudy hunks of gold, diamonds, and misplaced pride will cost you between $50k and $100. Keep in mind you need to be able to lift this when you propose, so you might have to rent a forklift, or a crane if you get the Refrigerator’s ring. I’m told the Refrigerator is a Bear from Chicago. Sports is crazy, man.
Geometrically Endless Commitment?
Is your significant other a math wizard? Someone magically combining letters, numbers, symbols, and made up words to the result of useless imaginary numbers that don’t tell me whether Hulu or Netflix is a better deal for my money. Then I’ve got the parametric description for you!
(t,s)↦(cost,sint,0)+s(cos(t/2)(0,0,1)+sin(t/2)(cost,sint,0))
=(cost,sint,0)+(0,0,scos(t/2))+(sin(t/2)cos t,sin(t/2)sint,0)
=(cost+ssin(t/2)cost,sint+ssin(t/2)sint,scos(t/2))
Also, a ring.
Incase you missed that Smart Joke™, this is a Mobius ring. You’ll notice that if you travel along the ring, you’ll follow it around until you’ve covered the whole length. It’s effectively a “one-sided” ring. This geometric configuration symbolizes the true infinity of love, the never endingness of devotionittude, and the mathematically calculated suffering of marrying someone who actually likes math.
iPhone Fan with whom to Form Your Family? Is your spouse-to-be one of the 100 million people that don’t believe in individuality? An instigator of the irreverent and ideological infrastructure of iPhones? Aboard the big, bad, belligerent, behemoth of a bandwagon that is the Apple Corporation? Then this is the most insincere and empirical token of love that I can offer.
The iRing! What better way to symbolize eternal commitment than to buy into the Stockholm syndrome that is the Apple experience. This ring features two ultra-retina displays that require you to install iTunes into your retinas and sign the end-user agreement before you can actually put on the ring. This is also the only ring that requires you to buy a new ring every year because you think they just get cooler and cooler every year without actually improving anything. Also, should the battery die (which only has one hour of standby time and 30 seconds of talk time) you’ll have to replace the whole ring. Contract only covers accidental swallowing by extinct birds. All accessories, including diamond, sold separately. Needs a proprietary adaptor to fit on human fingers.
-Vanilla Valley, Contributor