Hello dear readers. I sent my psychobeam-through-the-ethervoid to the stars, inquiring about our fates (as I faithfully do every week), and the response I got was….weird. I usually don’t get weird responses from the stars, but they were in a mood today. A kind of….literal….mood. Without further ado, here are your literal fates:
Aquarius- You are a naked man who pours water on things. Why are you naked and pour water on things? Most of those things don’t need water from your vase that never leaves your side. Stop pouring water on things, oh mysterious, naked water-bearer.
Pisces- You are two fish. You remember the good ol’ days when you were just one fish, but now you’re two fish. Stop trying to eat the tail of your other fish-half; that goes for both of you.
Aries-You are a virile, young, male sheep. Those other virile, young, male sheep sometimes charge at you with their horns, but you just charge right back and butt heads. Never let another ram charge you; always butt heads.
Taurus- You will tell yourself not to charge at the red cloth this time, but you will fail, like usual. You will see it, lose control, and then get cartoonishly out-foxed by the matador every time. If you live in Spain, you’re dead. If you live in Portugal, you will be saved only to have to fight again next week.
Gemini- You are two people. You remember the good ol’ days when you were just one person, but now you’re two people. Stop fighting with your suddenly-real new twin, and accept the fact that you will have to share a bed, and also your entire life.
Cancer- You are literally the worst thing. Besides being an actual goddamn crab (which is both a venereal disease and a grumpy, old lady), you are also one of the most deadly and tragic things that has ever existed.
Leo- You lion, you. You like to refer to your hair as a mane because it is a mane because you are an actual lion. When you watched The Lion King, your reaction was “Yeah, that’s what it is like.”
Virgo- Oh, Virgo. Virgo, Virgo, Virgo. You Virgin, you.
Scorpio- You’re a scorpion. Between your two claws and a stinger, you do pretty well for yourself.
Sagittarius- You can shoot stuff with arrows. You’re like the Michael Jordan of shooting arrows, or the Michael Phelps, or Hawkeye. You’re the Hawkeye of shooting arrows.
Capricorn- You’re a goat. You’ve always wanted to know why they decided to make you a symbol of evil? You’re the most innocuous, unassuming mammal-thing to ever graze these fields, dammit! You’ve never even met Satan!
-Ben Fogle, Staff-Member