The situation: You have overslept because you’re stuck in a cycle of perpetual self-loathing. This is your third late arrival this week and people are starting to notice.
The solution: Move in to your workplace. This is a great way to cut out the excess clutter of your life by condensing all of your worldly possessions into one cubicle. As a bonus, every day is instantly better with your jammies so readily available. No one can be self-loathing in their jammies, and now all of your coworkers can admire your cool posters of Halle Berry from Catwoman that used to hang in your bedroom.
The situation: The boss is milling around and you want to make a good impression. This could make or break your future here.
The solution: Ask how her baby is doing. She doesn’t have a baby? But she’s, like, a grown woman, right? Isn’t her life pointless without a baby? Somebody is bound to have a baby and an iPhone filled with photos of it that they are dying to share. Go find that baby. Boss a man? Ask about his baby.
The situation: Phone calls are pouring in and it seems like everyone needs you to do something. There is not enough time and the stress is building.
The solution: Hang up on whoever you are currently talking to. Then, pick the phone back up and whenever a coworker walks by, shout, “Jensen, where are those reports?!!” into the receiver. Who is Jensen? What reports? No one knows, but it sounds official. You must be busy. Better ask Claire to make these copies.
The situation: There is a new dress code being implemented after the person that delivers the mail got a little too casual on casual Friday last month.
The solution: Show your commitment to the decisions of upper management! Take their word seriously and put together a red carpet look every day. If you feel you’re running out of options, start layering. Tuxedos over ball gowns. Tuxedos over other tuxedos. Tuxedo t-shirts over tuxedos. Tuxedos over tuxedos over ball gowns over tuxedo t-shirts. Sweaters! Nothing is too much.
The situation: The fire alarm has gone off and there’s smoke coming out of the break room. Good thing you’ve been through the mandatory fire drills.
The solution: GET OUT OF THE OFFICE NOW!! Don’t worry about Claire or non-baby-having boss. Clearly your impressive display of athleticism will convince them that the new position opening up is meant for an employee with your fight-or-flight know-how.
The situation: The copier is out of toner. No one is really sure what toner is, but, gosh darn it, the machine always seems to run dry when you have to do some…toner-using things.
The solution: Toner is basically some kind of…dark powder whatchamacallit? Which is basically coffee grounds. Substitute and enjoy!
The situation: You’ve developed some tingly feelings for a fellow employee, but office romances are not permitted.
The solution: Kill enough people until it is. Don’t want to kill? Talk it over with HR. Don’t want to talk to HR? Kill enough people until it is.
The situation: Claire got that big promotion. Apparently she did her assigned tasks and “didn’t scream into the phone and threaten murder” or whatever.
The solution: Ask about her baby.
-Jackie Shreves, Senior Staff-Member