Following a series of election controversies, reports show that the Ohio State Undergraduate Student Government is rapidly running out of people to blame for the mind-bogglingly corrupt actions of the USG as a whole. A couple of weeks ago, an important issue called OSU Divestment was taken off of the ballot and three candidates’ names were withdrawn from consideration for election due to some mysterious force called “Constitutional Bylaws.” In response, members of the USG started finding creative and innovative ways to scapegoat other members of the USG. As of writing this article, the USG faces its biggest crisis yet: it has officially run out of people to blame.
“Normally no one knows what we are doing!” said an exasperated Celia Wright, President of USG. “I mean, we have no formal publication updating our students to our activities throughout the year, no regular emails, or even a particularly useful website! How did anyone even find out?! I mean it wasn’t my fault!” she said, looking desperately around the room. “Why don’t you talk to him?!” she continued, pointing at a confused secretary in the middle of throwing some paper away.
“I don’t even work for USG!” the dumbfounded man clarified after several interview questions. “I just do paperwork for CampusParc!” By then, The President had left the room due to hand cramps from the excessive finger-pointing she’s had to do this month.
Vice President Leah Lacure had this to say, “Well, I have to blame the entrenched Greek Life interests for failing to adequately bury this issue. And subsequently the Judiciary Panel for not finding a better bureaucratic loop-hole for systematically denying equal representation to OSU students of all backgrounds.” She then went on to publicly indict her previous two RA’s for not teaching her better.
Though Senators and Executives alike are passionately struggling to find someone to blame besides themselves, accusations are becoming increasingly harder and harder to dodge. When asked why the USG chose to remove the Divestment Issue from the ballot, promise to hold a special election for it, then quietly nix the special election, rather than just let students vote for it in a manner consistent with what is supposed to be a democracy, Chief Justice Brandon Cruz mumbled something about Constitutional Bylaws. When asked to speak up, he said, “It was that guy!” pointing to a Mr. Arnold Lynch, a member of the Janitorial Staff. Cruz then jumped out of the chair, and scrambled out of the window to safety. Several hearings for Mr. Lynch are scheduled for later this week. When asked for comment, he said “What the hell is the USG?”
The USG, having literally scapegoated every single member of all government bodies, will reportedly now try blaming and impeaching potential members of USG before they even get elected. When asked how the USG could do this, President Wright responded “Constitutional bylaws.” When asked to clarify, she loudly interrupted the interviewer with “Constitutional bylaws!” over and over again until the interviewer gave up. She then went on a wild indictment spree across the Oval, righteously accusing any student who happened to stumble across her path, and impeaching several Oval squirrels right on the spot.
At Press Time, members of the USG were reportedly on the phone with Benjamin Netanyahu receiving congratulatory remarks on their tactics and strategies.
-Ben Fogle, Senior Staff-Member