Okay freshmen, looks like it’ll be about time for you to get immersed in college pretty soon. I know what you’re thinking; “Yeah I saw Van Wilder once, this is gonna be exactly like that, right?” WRONG. Here’s a couple tips that’ll help you survive your first year and beyond.
When you graduate, you’re still going to be getting emails from Henna Tattoo Club.
Look, I know they were giving out mini kit-kats at the involvement fair, and when the nice lady there asked you to sign up for their mailing list, you did so not to be rude. I don’t know how to break this to you, but a fun-size candy bar is not worth the pain you will experience. If you don’t take charge and ask to be removed, you’ll be hearing from them until the world dies a slow heat death. You’ll literally never see any of them again, don’t worry about being rude.
The girl who sat next to you at convocation was definitely not into you
Look I know you read somewhere that 30% of people marry somebody they met in college. Even if that’s true, you better slow down son. Did you get her name? Her number? The dorm she’s living in? No? Then you better kiss your romantic dreams goodbye for the time being, because once you left for your dorm that night, that was it for your chances with her.
Chem 1100 is a cruel joke
Never has there been a class more reviled, more despised than chemistry. A week in, you will want to drop it because it’s a pain in the ass. Two weeks in you’ll want to drop it because it’s killing your GPA. 3 weeks in you’ll have accepted your fate and resigned yourself to getting that D+. There’s no way out of it, so get that shit done your freshman year.
Fucking Study
Oh whoopdeedoo, you got all As in high school by just showing up to class. Well I’ve got some bad news for you, because if you keep that mentality, you’re gonna die. Your parents will rip you to shreds after they see your failing grade in Chem 1100. If you don’t believe me, you better thank your maker for freshman forgiveness, because college will make you its bitch.
Don’t listen to articles on the internet
Seriously they’re a bad idea. Anyone can write them, even a bored college student that doesn’t really know any more than you do. What’s to say they aren’t going to try and make you a cynical, soulless husk before you’re due to become one? Maybe they’ll try and prevent you from finding your true love, or making great friends in an organization you didn’t think you’d be interested in? The internet is the worst.
-Allan, Senior Staff Member