Upper Arlington, Ohio – Saturday, October 31, 2015
Amid the disorganized crowd of children running door to door for sugary treats some children still seek liberty, not cavities. This Halloween, 13 year old Samuel Edik bravely defended his country from the actions of 10 year old Basir Kanaan. Edik’s actions exemplify that the next generation of Americans still have hope as he defended others from danger, while dressed as a soldier of the honorable old would. Then I saw him take candy off of someone’s porch and I knew that something was wrong.”
Moments after this realization Edik took action. Knocking Kanaan to the ground, witness accounts report that Edik repeatedly swung his leg into Kanaan’s chest to confirm whether or not the ‘ninja’ was strapped to a bomb. Thankfully, these actions did not cause any damage to those in the vicinity. These same accounts report Edik reading the suspect his rights, both to remain silent and to not fight back during the procedure. This suspicious behavior was further intensified by the fact that Kanaan had received previous warnings about how he must act on Halloween.
“I mean, he stepped off his front porch! I couldn’t let him do that,” says Edik, “I told him last week that he could trick-or-treat on his front porch, provided that 85% of his candy went to me first. Anything less than that would be anti-Sam Edik.”
Public support for Edik is overwhelming, as our unbiased and unreleased survey data shows. Many children were delighted by Edik’s pre-emptive strike. “I mean, I don’t think we know both sides of the story yet,” commented 12 year old Richard Edik, Samuel’s younger brother.
Kanaan was not available for comment, despite having received medical care. Charges are currently being pressed against Kanaan for being suspicious and not listening to those with more authority than him.
-Kelli Knipe, Senior Staff Writer