ESPN’s College Gameday is coming to Columbus Saturday to see the Buckeyes take on the Spartans in Ohio Stadium. At press time, all of the poster board and markers at Staples are sold out and all of the good jokes have probably been taken. But this doesn’t change the game. Everything you need to know about our opponent is here:
Team: Michigan State Spartans. Consistently ranked the second-worst school in the nation on numerous Ohio rankings.
Series record: Ohio State leads the series 2,800-14.
Coach: Mark Dantonio. He used to be a defensive coordinator at Ohio State, but no one misses him. He didn’t look good in scarlet and gray anyway.
Mascot: Sparty. Sometimes the man in the bulky mascot costume stumbles and falls on the field. It’s hilarious, and if it happens in Ohio Stadium, Ohio State’s strength and conditioning coach Antony Schlegel may tackle him.
Fun fact: MSU’s school colors, green and white, are inspired by the mermaid on Starbucks coffee cups.
Team Cheer: They’re bound to have a cheer referencing 300 so let’s not mention it.
Player to watch: Zeke the Wonder Dog. Touted as “the best receiver in the NCAA,” Zeke has made more game-changing plays in the past five seasons than any bipedal player. He can reliably catch any Frisbee tossed to him. Expect Ohio State to throw no Frisbees.
Marching band: The Spartan Marching Band will travel with the team to the game. They are an impressive group of musicians; many of them are trained to read music, and many have music memorized every week. All of them are able to carry a musical instrument and walk in curvy lines.
Team history: MSU joined the Big 10 Conference in 1953, bringing the conference to a historic low and ensuring an SEC bias forever.
Sundial prediction: Michigan just makes us angry, but Michigan State likes to get under our skin. Not this year, Spartans. They’ll lose 32-14 and keep Ohio State on the road to the cylindrical championship trophy.
Kick-off for the matchup has been rescheduled. In fact, every time MSU screws something up it has been adjusted earlier. At press time, kick-off is scheduled for 7:30 a.m. The game has also been relocated to the practice field behind the Schottenstein Center. Troy Barton’s watch party from Morrill Tower has been cancelled, but everyone can still try to watch the game from Matt Wilson’s room on the twenty-third floor.
-Travis Filicky, Senior Staff Member