Columbus, OH – After studying hundreds of college seniors at the Wexner Medical Center, neurologists have discovered that senioritis, a pseudo-disease that decreases seniors’ ability to concentrate on homework and drastically increases their procrastination skills, is pseudo no longer: there is an actual medical disease that explains it all.

“It was a very dramatic discovery,” Dr. Melinda Shepherd told me. “All these years we’ve been convinced that seniors are just lazy bums, but the brain activity, or lack thereof, that causes senioritis is astounding.

I visited the Wexner one afternoon, and Dr. Shepherd showed me many of the brain scans of seniors with what is described as advanced senioritis. She used many medical terms that I couldn’t understand, but to an idiot with no neurological training, it just looked like bits of brain were floating around in their skulls. She confirmed my suspicion.

“In the most advanced cases, some students are losing parts of their brains. Different pieces are disconnected, so they float around in the area around the brain, which makes it physically impossible for them to focus on their homework.” About half of all students diagnosed have this advanced senioritis.

Then there were more brain scans. This time half were black and white and half were brightly colored. “These are comparisons of seniors’ brains when they are studying or sitting in a lecture compared to when they’re watching Netflix or perusing Reddit. See how the hippocampus doesn’t light up in lecture? That indicates their short term memory isn’t functioning. Everything their professors are saying is literally going in one ear and out the other. Then the Netflix scans have brain activity everywhere. We had a history student come in a few weeks ago who couldn’t recite the preamble to the Constitution, but she knew every line to every episode of Doctor Who since 2005, including the episode that just came out last week.”

I stopped by the Oval to interview seniors about this new discovery. When asked about her case of senioritis, student Ivy Decker responded “I’m so over schoolwork, but also I just don’t have the time to procrastinate it too much, because I’m constantly drowning.” She laughed before adding, “But I’ve discovered drowning isn’t too bad since I have One Direction. I don’t need to pass my classes as long as Louis Tomlinson will sing me to sleep every night.”

Senior English major Jackie Shreves wore a look of frustration on her face when I spoke to her. “I mean, I’m frustrated at closed book tests,” she stated. “When am I going to have to take a close book test in my profession?” …well, Jackie, probably never, because you’re an English major.

Senior Norm Steinmetz seemed to be in a rush. I convinced him to stop for two seconds, which was long enough for him to say “I don’t want to do any of it. At all.” Then he left. From this, I drew two assumptions: 1) “it” was probably his homework. He is a senior after all. And 2) he had a hot date with a video game console waiting for him at home, because we all know he’s not going to do his homework.

Professors are torn regarding the new medical findings. Some, like Professor Natalie Torres, are surprised to find there is actual physical evidence for senioritis. “I’ve been teaching psychology for twenty-five years, so I always assumed it was just a psychological thing,” she said. When asked if she would curve grades for the seniors in her class, she remarked, “Of course I will! Their senioritis is not something they can control. I plan to revise my syllabi for next semester as soon as I can to make my classes as easy as possible for my seniors. Only take home exams and open book quizzes for them.”

Other professors are not so understanding. Dr. James Haywood of the aeronautical physics department almost threw me out of his office when I arrived to interview him about it. “It’s all in their heads,” he proclaimed. “I should make my classes harder to make them pay attention. They must get a 100% on every test, or they will fail!” (Excuse my editorializing, but this is why you don’t major in hard sciences. All the professors are just grumps.)

And it is with that, dear readers, that I must admit something to you all: I have been diagnosed with senioritis. I went into the hospital to get a brain scan after getting a concussion from falling down the stairs after descending too quickly in socks. Unfortunately, the concussion was the least of my problems. I am one of the college seniors with little bits of brain floating around my skull. It is a devastating diagnosis, but I plan on embracing my disease: I am determined to not finish any of my assignments for the rest of the semester, and I’m not even sure I’m going to take my exams. Instead, I don’t plan on leaving bed for anything other than food and the bathroom. I plan to be able to recite every line from Sense8 by the end of the calendar year, and then Supernatural is on the agenda come next semester.

I have a disease, as do millions others of seniors. Please consider donating to the Fund to Eradicate Senioritis (FES) by calling 1-800-ALC-OHOL or contacting your cell service providers.

(Author’s note: Dear Professor Wu of the Chinese department… This is why I couldn’t translate today’s lesson. I may or may not have read it because I was writing this piece. Whoops.)

-Stacy Haerr, Staff Member