Darren Thomas was a good man. He never did anything to hurt anyone. This is why his was so distraught when not a single person came to his Game of Thrones Season Six premier party. What had he done wrong? He had created the Facebook event, tidied up his studio apartment, and most importantly he had picked up thirteen little Caesars pizzas. Why had no one shown up? He hastily checked the event on Facebook. Thirty five invited, with twenty people saying that they could attend and four maybes. There should be at least twenty to twenty four people all crammed into his apartment, talking about how Daenerys probably dyes her hair or how surprisingly delicious these Little Caesars pizzas were. Casual conversations about unnaturally white hair, that’s all that Darren wanted. This was his time to show his various coworkers and fellow disc golf enthusiast that he wasn’t just Darren Thomas, organ donor and vice-president of the disc golf club, but that he was Darren Thomas, organ donor and vice-president of cool guys and delicious, five dollar pizzas. But there he stood, next to thirteen rapidly cooling pizzas, head lowered in defeat.
“Well, I guess I have leftovers now”, Darren sighed as he picked up the pile of pizzas, begrudgingly moving them to the counter so that they could be wrapped in tinfoil for many depressing reminders of his failed social event. Each time he bit into a Hot and Ready Pizza®, the taste tomatoes, cheese and loneliness would fill him. Darren plopped the orange pizza boxes down on the counter, and began to wrap these Italian triangles into some aluminum leaves. As his hand stuffed the first triangle, the lights began to flicker, and his door flew open. Smoke poured into his living room/ bedroom/ kitchen/ bathroom/entire apartment through the door as a shadowy figure emerged from the door frame.
“Who is this?” Darren shouted through a cough that had derived from the newly introduced smoke. He hoped it was one of his guests making an incredibly over-dramatic entrance, or that is was world renowned wrestler John Cena making quite a normal entrance for his character.
It wasn’t. It was a police officer. Darren Thomas was also a pedophile. Darren Thomas wasn’t actually a good man.
-James Wagner, Senior Staff Member