COLUMBUS, OH— On Tuesday, local student Tim Vogel was reportedly held hostage after being informed by his roommate, Drake Kools, that “no man, it’s cool, you don’t have to go for this” when he attempted to exit their shared dorm-room. The two students attend Ohio State University, and Tim had previously described his roommate as, “pretty cool dude, not someone I’d hang out with regularly, but he’s fine to live with.”
Directly preceding the social abduction, Tim was unwinding after his long day of classes by catching up on his shows. Even in the middle of an exceptionally cheesy episode of Fuller House, Tim says that he noticed his roommate’s frustrated mannerisms, and focused sternly on his computer screen to ignore the brewing air of awkwardness in their two-person superdouble. Tim’s efforts to put the matter aside were made useless when Drake reportedly went out of his way to exchange an exhausted look with him.
“At this point I just wanted to leave and let him sort it out on his own, so I said, ‘Oh hey man, uhhh, you want me to head out for a bit, I noticed you got something going on…’ and waited for his response,” Tim told reporters. “But he just responded with, ‘No, don’t worry about it, everything is alri- HOW DARE YOU!’ and then he was arguing with his girl again.”
Drake and Rebecca Sommers had been dating for five months at the time of this incursion. Tim claims to have tried everything he could to block out the argument, including replacing his earbuds and turning up his volume to a higher-than-comfortable volume, coughing politely, trying to contact friends for help, coughing impolitely, and a number of other equally timid and useless actions.
For hours Tim listened as Drake continued his heated rapport with Rebecca. The querulous roommate frequently exchanged meaningful glances with Tim, who had no idea what the expected response would possibly be. Every effort Tim made to escape was met with the same dismissive response, effectively holding Tim hostage in his own room at the risk of breaking a confusing and unwanted social bond.
Things took a turn for the worst for Tim when he noticed Drake subtly brandishing his five-inch pocket knife.
“He just looked at me, really calmly, but he was definitely stern, and he said, ‘look bro, if you want to leave that badly, I understand. But if you think I’ll ever water little Planty again, you’re mista-HELLFIRE, I KNEW DARREN HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH THIS!’”
As the lover’s indirect, digital quarrel was rejuvenated, Tim says he thought he saw his out. However, Drake’s most personal conflicts and dire relationship issues were not enough to pry his attention fully away from his mortified roommate.
“It was the scariest look anyone’s ever given me, he was all dead-eyed and without looking away from the ground where he was curled up, Drake said, ‘I see you reaching for the door, Tim. You really do want to run away from me, just like Rebecca. Is that it, Tim? You just wanna leave me like everyone else I’ve ever loved? Bring her back to me! You can leave and I won’t cut you or let Planty die, but you have to get her to take me back!’”
Sources confirmed that Tim texted Rebecca twice about taking Drake back before Drake exploded in a fit of jealousy over his ex-girlfriend already texting another man. The results of the outburst appear to be the conclusion of a pathetic, unhealthy relationship that was doomed within months anyway.
-Jacob Wright, Staff Member