Thinking about getting a part-time job this summer? Want a work day that allows you to sit around and soak up some rays? Do you love having anxiety because if someone dies it’s your fault with the added bonus of no respect? Then follow this all-encompassing how-to guide on How To Be A Lifeguard!
- Pay about $300 for your certification to make minimum wage (if you’re lucky)
-Spend every day trying to remind yourself that you’re a trained professional while you are treated less than vermin from board members and pool-goers.
- Like kids? You won’t after your first week
-Sure, you thought that one kid was cute when he would want to pass the volleyball with you when you were sitting at the desk but now you’ve concluded that his family doesn’t have a home.
- Get really good at dealing with nosebleeds and bee stings
-You won’t need much skill in anything else. Unless you work at a YMCA. People actually drown there sometimes.
- If someone starts bleeding, just hand them a Band-Aid
–PRO TIP: If you don’t put it on them, you don’t have to write an incident report.
- Yell “Walk!” at kids about 5 times an hour
-They won’t listen but at least if they fall and get hurt, you can say you tried.
- Pretend not to see someone breaking a rule until someone else tells them to stop
-No one wants to be the Asshole Lifeguard who yells at everyone. Sure, you see that pre-teen jumping off the diving board towards the side. You know how much of a safety risk that is for him and literally everyone on the side of the pool. Make someone else deal with it.
- Prepare yourself for weird tan lines
-You won’t be able to remember how you lived without sunglass tan lines all those years. You’re also convinced that your shins are albino at this point.
- Practice your whistle twirling
-If you can’t twirl a whistle with complete perfection and ease, kids will know you’re new. They will sense your ignorance and will not hesitate to pounce on your vulnerability. They hear you yelling at them. They see you’re angry. But they also saw you drop your whistle in the pool. You have no chance.
- Bring lots of towels
-You’re going to need them when the “soak the lifeguard” game comes around. This game can consist of just can openers and cannonballs off the high dive, or it can be downgraded to just kids sitting in front of your chair and splashing you from underneath.
WARNING: this game is almost exclusively played as soon as the sun goes down to make you freeze.
- Get dark enough sunglasses so no one can see your eyes
-This way you can freely glare at the kids you hate and still check out the abs on that hottie over there without anyone knowing.
- Get really good at eavesdropping
-You need some way of entertaining yourself as you sit through your shift. But don’t let the gossip interfere with listening for thunder. Nothing shall come between you and your 30-minute break of listening to kids ask “how many more minutes?” 78 times.
Examples of what you can expect to overhear are: “Did you hear Sally Mae got a boob job?”, “I just can’t get Dustin to stop peeing the bed!”, “Did you see Jackie got a new boyfriend? If Connor was my husband, I wouldn’t need to seduce my teenager’s friend.”
- Hope no one drowns
-Put your shades on, apply a couple more coats of sunscreen on your nose, put your feet up and twirl that whistle. While basically being a babysitter who can be sued if something goes wrong does suck, you’re basically just being paid to sit there and make sure no one dies. So relax and soak up that sun.
–Lauren Moliterno, Senior Staff Member