Thank you for choosing the Seaside Palace Sunset Resort for your summer getaway! The satisfaction of our guests is our number one priority (after getting rid of all the dead seagulls in the parking lot). We offer a series of activities that come free of cost to all guests. A list of today’s activities are listed below.
7:00-8:00 a.m.: Seashell Collecting with Terry
Join our hotel manager Terry as he walks up and down the gorgeous beach looking for seashells! Make sure to check inside each seashell to see if you find some paper. If you do, you may win a prize! Full disclosure, Terry was recently accused of a local robbery that occurred when someone broke into a Salty Dog Café with a harpoon. In a state of panic, Terry took the receipt from his recent harpoon purchase—which he bought as a conversation piece for his living room—and stuffed it in a seashell and threw it in the ocean. The police were alerted about this, however, and have ordered Terry to retrieve the receipt so that he does not get charged with obstruction of justice. Now he walks up and down the beach every day to see if the seashell has washed up. If you find it, you can get up to 10% off all hotel gift shop items!
8:00-9:00 a.m.: Breakfast
Meet us at the bus stop down the road as we embark on a trip to sample local cuisine! We will wait at the bus stop until a guest who is 60 years or older arrives, at which point we will depart for Applebee’s (this way we can all use his/her senior discount!). Make sure to grab a coupon from Margot at reception on your way out!
9:00-10:00 a.m.: Zip Lining with Tristan
Soar through the trees and experience the wonders of our resort from 200 feet in the air! Meet Tristan on the roof at 9:00, and please bring sunscreen, tennis shoes, and a clothes hanger. Our budget has been cut recently and we had to sell our old zip line harness, so we have started taking adventure into our own hands by using clothes hangers in lieu of a harness! You will feel far more adventurous and build up arm strength by hanging off of a clothes hanger as you fly over the resort. Just make sure you sign our waiver first and promise Tristan you won’t scream too loud, since the zip line goes over our tennis courts and our tennis pro Michael says that the screams are disrupting his lessons and shortening his temper.
10:00-11:00 a.m.: Cloud Watching with Susan
Susan used to lead clothes hanger zip lining until she broke both her ankles when her clothes hanger broke and she fell onto our world-renowned, Wimbledon-quality tennis courts! Now she has insisted that she be assigned a less stressful activity to lead. When asked what she wanted, she said, “My god, I don’t know, how about cloud watching; let’s make that a thing. You know I have grounds to sue, right?” Meet Susan in the lobby and take a lawn chair out to the parking lot where Susan will point out what certain clouds look like while she ices her ankles. WARNING: This activity is for cloud watching only. Do not look directly at the sun, no matter what Susan says.
11:00 a.m.-12:00 p.m.: Lunch
Meet us on the beach at 11:00 for a good-old-fashioned clam bake! We will first need to voyage into the ocean to harvest the clams, then we will go back to the shore, bury them in the sand, and let the sun cook them through to perfection! We are on a tight schedule so we will be burying the clams at 11:30 and digging them back up at 11:50, so we hope you like your clams a bit on the rare side. The good news is that they are an absolute delicacy and if you need to throw up, you can do it in the ocean. Please bring any condiments you plan on using and also a net and a boat for catching clams.
12:00-2:00 p.m.: Hide-and-Go-Seek with Jayden and Skylar
Embrace your sense of youth by engaging in this traditional, entertaining game! Our resort offers countless prime hiding spots such as under tables in our premier dining room or in other guests’ rooms (ask Margot at reception for a random room key). Jayden and Skylar are our concierge Amy’s kids, and they are currently on summer break. Usually Tristan watches them, but he can’t today because he has to go to the local rec center so he can take his Zip Line Guide’s Certification test (he has one more chance to pass before he has to wait another year to take it). Please play hide-and-go-seek with Jayden and Skylar for a bit so Amy can go to her dentist’s appointment without them.
2:00-4:00 p.m.: Tennis with Michael
Brush up on your tennis skills with our tennis pro, Michael! Learn the basics of forehand, backhand, and serving. Then learn the rules of the game as well as how to argue with the line judge, verbally abuse the ball boy, and negotiate a deal to endorse watches. Then after your lesson, sign up to play in our resort tournament. Fair warning, Michael usually enters the tournament and gets very competitive. Last year he yelled insults every time he hit the ball and tried to pass it off as a tennis grunt, but they were often full sentences so this argument did not hold up very well. He is currently on probation, so please direct any complaints to Margot at reception.
4:00-6:00 p.m.: People Watching with Candice
Join our lifeguard Candice as she watches people on the beach! Fill out our “Beach-goer Bingo” sheet, which includes spaces such as “lost toddler”, “quickly sun-burning Midwesterner”, and “abandoned cooler”. If you win, you can get a chance to be a lifeguard for an hour while Candice quickly sweeps the beach for seashells in an attempt to help acquit her husband, Terry.
6:00-7:00 p.m.: Dinner
Enjoy a three-course meal from Chef Bobbi Flay! We know what you’re thinking, and yes, it’s definitely that Bobbi Flay, so don’t Google it. We don’t have internet or cell service here anyway, so good luck. Tonight’s meal will be Applebee’s leftovers and your choice of chicken or fish (Lean Cuisine).
7:00-10:00 p.m.: Hello, Trolley!
Tonight’s entertainment is a musical written by our bellhop, Tony, entitled “Hello, Trolley!” It is about a resort bellhop who books a convention for Broadway executives at the hotel and dazzles them with his musical. It is currently being shown to guests as a preview and is still in the works. If you have any connections to Broadway executives, please let Tony know. He’d really like for this musical to go well so that Susan will stop ridiculing his dreams in the break room.
Midnight: Ghost in the Graveyard with Eleanor
This isn’t like the game “Ghost in the Graveyard.” This is an actual ghost hunt. The words “with Eleanor” in the title are a bit ambitious since Eleanor does not lead the ghost hunt: she is the ghost. And we need to find her. Eleanor haunts the hotel by trapping guests in the elevators, disrupting the wifi, and putting bedbugs on the furniture. This activity used to be led by Felix, but we can’t find him so we will be accepting guests to act as volunteer leaders. Meet in the resort graveyard, which is located next to where the zip line ends.
Thank you for choosing the Seaside Palace Sunset Resort! We hope to see you at today’s activities. And make sure to join us tomorrow as we engage in the resort’s first ever all-day Clean-a-Thon, where we will compete to see which guest can best clean their room (we expect our cleaning staff to end their strike soon, but until then we have to improvise). Have a great day!
–Janie Beaufore, Staff Member