As Br-tn-y Th-mps-n (vowels left out to preserve anonymity) was jogging home from her pottery class last W-dn-sd-y (again, anonymity), she suddenly felt a movement in her purse. “I stopped, and then they jumped out with my wallet and makeup. Two large, undulating, and inexplicably suave black caterpillars. They made off with all of it. I was stunned!” The victim said to police during questioning. This is not an isolated incident. Several reports have recently come in about a pair of eyebrows, for that is what they are, cavorting about the night wreaking havoc and mischief. After analyzing several hours of security footage and several dozen celebrity eyebrows, they were identified. It turns out that, every night, when Adrien Brody goes to sleep, his eyebrows wriggle off of his face into the night and commit crimes.

Adrien Brody was unaware of his smooth and polished eyebrows’ delinquent behavior. He believed the objects that mysteriously appeared in his room every morning, such as Ms. Thmps-n’s wallet and makeup, were gifts from his many adoring fans. The items were gently taken away from him after he was done playing with them and returned to their owners. He usually didn’t notice their absence. This pattern continued for some time until his graceful and perfect eyebrows didn’t return one night, and Adrien Brody became hysterical. “WHERE ARE MY DARLINGS?!!” He screamed after waking up, going to the bathroom, and attempting to use his patented Brody Fluff&Puff Eyebrow Wash, only to find that they were entirely missing from his face! He attempted to look tragically heartbroken, but without his eyebrows to climb up his forehead and do their signature furrow, he just looked all weird and wrinkly.

Adrien Brody’s eyebrows, the stars of several blockbuster movies such as King Kong, The Pianist, and Twitches (where they played that evil smoke monster) are still at large in the greater Columbus area. Authorities have sent Tom Selleck’s mustache to hunt them down and return them safely to Adrien Brody’s forehead.

Special Thanks to Br- F-rn-y, for giving me a flyer on the Oval.

-Ben Fogle, Contributor